Gluttony again

I need to talk to someone.  I want to know someone understands.

I’ve eaten chocolate.

And I feel vile.

Something has to change.

I really need to stop eating altogether.

But I"m not good enough at denial. I’m too lenient in what I allow.

I am gluttonous.

And it’s disgusting to be a glttonous, bulging anorexic. But possible. Because it’s me.

I have only just recently accepted the label of anorexia, and accepted I have this illness.

But the way I am eating (sometimes), surely will reverse it. It would be indulgent of me to admit to anyone (doctors mainly) I have anorexia. Because I surely eat too much and allow myself too much gluttony to ever truly have anorexia.

I am tired of these mindgames.

I just want to shut down the world, and make things simpler.

I want to be empty and broken. Vanishing.

Even though when I get closer to that goal, I can feel my heart beat so close to my skin. And I don’t feel well. I feel like my parts are unravelling, becoming unscrewed, and everything is slowing down. Rickety. I feel broken. Physically.

But still…

I don’t want to eat.

I think it’s drinks only again.

For a little while.

We’ll see.

i’m used to this routine. You’d think I’d learn.

But I’m stupid and stubborn. And I do as I please.

I wanted to eat chocolate and so I did. Then I didn’t want to eat it anymore but my mind told me I HAD TO EAT MORE. And now there are consequences.

I don’t like this game.

Can I make it stop?