First 4 days

Well in a spontaneous move, my friend came to vist me and took me out to this public libary as a surprise so i could have some internet access. So here I am. I was only just thinking this morning as I was writing in my paper journal in the hospital (a good thing by the way to be keeping a journal while there) …that I wished I could put my journal up on here to share…as I am finding it really productive and interesting to see how my thoughts and motivations, and insights are changing…..as each day passes, in the clinic.

I can say already I’ve made progress, which is a genuine surprise. I fought so hard with my head, after being admitted…to try to let myself FEEL like i deserved to be there, and deserved the admission. I kept feeling like I wasn’t sick enough, and everyone else deserved to be there, but not me. But now, after a few days, I am really starting to realise that sickness is not purely measured by BMI (or weight) but by your maladaptive behaviours and emotions, and how much my life was being affected by this disorder. I am coming to terms with it in that sense, and even though I am different than some of the others (actually all the 10 ED patients are different in their specific weights, BMIs and their eating behaviours), it doesn’t mean that I have any less of a problem than they do.

This is a major landmark achievement for me!

I can say therefore, that I’ve made some mental progress, but there is still huge grounds to cover. Physcially and in terms of eating I haven’t made much progress, although the structure of the place and the meals (and individualised and supervised meals) are helping. I am probably going to lose some weight before gain, purely because my "binges" are going to be reduced. But I think long-term, I am definitely going to benefit from this place.

My doctor visits me everyday, for 15 min chat in my room, and we have 3 therapy groups a day. Then 3 supervised meals and 3 supervised snacks. I’ve had my nutritional and my medical assessment. My starting weight has been recorded. I am meant to gain 1 kg (2.2 pounds) per week (we are weighed twice a week) in order to gain priveldges which generally are un-escorted leave and less regular checks on where I am. At the moment I am on category 3, which means only escorted leave and 15-30minute checks. I am willing to stay on this for a while longer, in order to not pressure myself into gaining weight straight away. I think I am working on mental stuff much more at the moment and that is important.

One of my biggest challenges that began yesterday is the taking of the supplement drinks. I am supposed to have 2 fortisips per day (1200 kj or 300 calories) each. They are like milkshake drinks. I have huge issues with liquids having calories and haven’t ingested a liquid with calories in ages. Of course, if I eat my meal plan properly I don’t have to drink the supplements, but it isn’t realistic to think I could manage the food plan yet. My general intake before admission (and my safe foods) consisted of only really vegetables, and a protein here and there….so I am not doing so well with eating carbs, proteins, full fat dairy, and only 2 tiny serves of veges in each meal. I used to eat like a full bowl of veggies…..Sigh, I miss my veggies, but I know I need to eat a more balanced diet. I think if I continue to lose weight and don’t drink my supplements, as well as eat less than half my meals, I will probably get the naso, but I hope it won’t come to that.

There are 3 fifteen year of girls on the program (as well as some my age – 28), and they have been there months. One of them has only been there 2 weeks and she only eats watermelon each day, – like the equivalent of one small piece over the whole day, cut up into heaps of pieces. She is the worst on the program and has naso every night (naso is only given at night unless you’re critically ill and emaciated). They say the naso doesn’t hurt (the other teenagers have it every night too- even though they do eat some) and they are so okay with it, that it seems surreal. The danger is them coming to depend on it instead of eating. I need to be careful in how I progress with this. Actually, I lie, there is one girl who is worse. She is on naso 24 hours and confined to bed.

Anyway, I am doing my best, and my frame of mind is a lot better and different than a few days ago. I really want to use this opportunity in the right way and for the best.

Until next time,

Elizabeth