Drifting

This is week 1 in our new house. Week 2 of Sofie in her new school. There are still some boxes scattered around, but we are mostly settled. We love the house. It is an old wooden one with a tin roof, and has character. Very high ceilings, and all rooms are rectangular but in a circular fashion around the middle, central room of the house, which is the formal dining room with a fireplace. Sofie likes running around and chasing the dogs, in this circular format.

We have ceiling fans and 2 air-conditioners. Our yard is beautiful. With some fruit trees, and old shed (we are using for storage) and a beautiful new patio and BBQ area. There is also a small laundry, built outside – rather cute.

Sofie is really enjoying walking to and from school, and I am really enjoying not having to drop her and pick her up. She even has a house key now (which is a really old fashioned one, I’ll have to take a photo to show), and is allowed to stay home for short periods on her own 1-2 hours, so if I’m out near school finish time I needn’t hurry home as she can walk home and let herself in.

Damien is really liking being able to catch the train to work (we live 5 minutes from the station – the station is right next to the school, and the town pool). It actually gets him into work QUICKER than when he had to drive. Not to mention saving on fuel and parking costs.

I am not doing so well. Going to sleep at night is full of constant tremors. I have been dissociating a lot lately. Mostly just depersonalisation and derealisation. I don’t know why it has returned. It has been a while. But nothing seems real now, and I keep phasing out. I feel like I don’t exist, and am not alive. I look in the mirror and see a floating empty image. Everything seems washed out or like it’s sketched rather than real.

Damien and I continue to struggle.

Money is very very tight. Hopefully soon the financial benefits of moving will kick in. Still, the pressure for me to return to work (casual, on call, substitute teaching) is high. I am keen to do so, but of course, anxious about it as well.

Sofie has her 11th birthday this Saturday at a 10 Pin bowling centre with 9 friends from her old school. She already has her first "boyfriend", although at this age, I wonder what exactly that entails. She says he’s handsome and she blushes. On her online chat she has her handle say, "Joel and me together forever". If it wasn’t kind of cute it would make me puke. .

My weight has been stable, – stable lowish. But is dropping a bit again. I really wouldn’t know how I feel about this as I have been feeling a zombie with weight issues. I am not full of ED fervour at all. Just stressed and busy and not eating properly. Of course, I’m still too scared to eat properly, and the drive to exercise is there and exerts itself. But I am not driven right now. Part of me relishes this because I have lost my appetite without trying, and it makes me feel like when I do start being ferverish, there is less headway to have to make because my weight is already low. Sigh, I don’t know how I feel about all of this. I only know I don’t want the trauma of food addiction and denial everyday. At the moment it’s stagnant and fairly stable. I feel like I’m a buried seed in the winter. I wonder what Spring will bring. Germination or death.

Well that was dramatic. Pah.

Sofie’s had a few meltdown’s lately. I have done my best to respond with good parental love and discipline and boundaries. Raising a child is not easy.  She is very rarely predictable, and her mood swings are hard to take. She is chirpy often, but deathly horrid and defiant other times, not to mention super lazy. Kids these days are so unappreciative. It makes me want to scream. Oh well. There’s still progress to be made with her. At least I met her when she was 10 rather than 15.

My parents live not far, and this is of course their house. We are renting from them. As such, we see more of them now, and they have been helping out with preparing the house. It’s nice to have help. And it’s nice to see my parents more often (and not just see Damien’s parents). Also good for Sofie. Damien’s parents have been away but are VERY family orientated and no doubt will spend a good deal of time here catching up, when they return.

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. He is working on doing some relaxation with me, and very basic suggestions for sensual physcial feelings (like walking barefoot in long grass – having a head massage, listening to music, watching a sunset etc) to try to awaken my body and the connection between my bodily senses and my mind. Things are going well with him. I guess.

I still need to find a GP for weight issues and management. tomorrow I check out the local Medical centre in town. 3 minutes walk down the road. They have a lady doctor who is Egyptian. Hmm, I wonder what she’ll be like? I need to find a long-term doctor though. One who won’t leave after 6 months because they’re on rotation. One who has an interest in nutrition, or psychopathology or eating disorders would be good too.

We get cable TV installed tomorrow. Yuck. I wish we wouldn’t. That thing drains the souls and bodies and turns house members into zombies.

Elizabeth