Feeling off

It’s been stressful lately. Last week my friend’s son died suddenly (the son was 40). Then day before yesterday my husband’s sister-in-law died suddenly of cancer. Last night I had a horrible nightmare and dreamt my husband told me my son had died. I woke up at 6 a.m. believing that it must be true. I’ve had dreams before that have come true so I’ve spent the morning afraid that I will get this news. I’ve tried to reason that I probably had that dream because of a stabbing that took place downtown a couple weeks ago and I only learned about it yesterday after all five people involved were arrested, and everything that happens makes me worry about my son. It was a devastating dream and I still feel so disturbed by it.

Then as soon as my husband got up he began talking about Trump. He is a huge Trump supporter and that’s all I hear about all day; Trump this, Trump that, etc. It is exhausting. To be honest, I don’t think Trump is all bad, but I’m also not a huge fan. I’m also not a fan of Elon Musk. I haven’t liked him since his rant about how immoral it was for anyone (apparently in the universe) to work from home.

Anyway, so this morning’s Trump argument started when my husband tried to tell me that Trump was “halfway through his swearing in when Melania got there because they purposely started early.” Apparently they wanted to prevent Trump from having a bible to swear on. Well, coincidentally, I accidentally watched that swearing in part yesterday for some reason, so I knew I’d seen her there because I was trying to debate if she looked happy about the whole thing lol. Anyway, I told my husband that I actually watched it and that wasn’t true! He argued, so I pulled up the video and showed it. Trump hadn’t even began to speak when she was there, and she was there all along. She only had to take like two steps to be beside him.

It’s like my husband wants to argue all the time about nothing. After the horrible dream I’d woken up from this morning, I was in no mood to listen to him go on for a half hour about things about Trump and any attempts at sabotage. Meanwhile, no matter what I try to talk to him about, even if I’m trying to figure something out for my company and I just need to sort out an idea or something, or actually if I say anything about anything at all, all my husband says is, “I’m not interested in that.” And then he ignores me. When he’s in the apartment he is wearing headphones and listening to his ipad (usually about Trump) 24/7 minus any hours he sleeps. (Sidenote, when he started talking about JD Vance, I said, “Jd Vance, Vance Refrigeration” and he didn’t get that or like it. lol)

We don’t even talk anymore. He has no interest in me. He’s always found my ideas boring (he even said that numerous times). I used to sing and have gotten standing ovations, but when I first got with my husband he pointed out that I could not sing. Even though when we were dating he went with me to a show I was singing in. He prevented me from joining the theatre when we moved because he didn’t like “artsy” people. Every time I ever had a “great” business idea, he would point out how none of my ideas are great at all, only in my own mind, and then proceed to list a million reasons why my ideas wouldn’t work. I used to be successful at everything I did, and I never let obstacles stop me. I’m a problem solver. I am so not who I used to be and feel kind of empty.

Today I’m just really feeling depressed and alone.