Where Do the Stars Go?

I feel like my dreams are dying.

I read somewhere that when you stop believing, you stop dreaming. It feels real.

It hurts, but not as much. The little left of hurt and numb are battling. I think that settling is the real tragedy of the world.

I’ve learned to be there for myself and fight for what I want constantly because after dad died, it felt I’m the only one who truly cared about me. I mean, I even had to order my own cakes last birthday because it rained and mom couldn’t go out. I appreciate her, but not as much as I appreciate myself admittedly. If she’s better, she could have been doing more and I wouldn’t have had to grow up so fast. Part of me blames her for Gooch turning out like this. She lets her limitations be that – limitations. And she gets mad when I try to get her to try to overcome them. And now Gooch is the same.

You know how dreams die?

I don’t even want much, not really. Just someone who’d constantly do things with me and enjoy them. Like eating out, taking strolls, going on a drive, conversing with me and actually listening and making me feel heard, getting to hear me laugh…someone to stare and look at the stars and dream and fight for a future with. Simple things. Because it feels like mom and Gooch are just waiting to die and I’m the only one fighting at life. Mom is better than Gooch by a tons but I don’t know… To me, they don’t expect much of life so they don’t do more. And when you’re around people without dreams, yours start to fade too. I hate them for it.

Dreams died when I realized maybe those things are never meant for me.

Like, where can I find a guy who’d want me,  choose me and fight for me? Because I think falling in love is uncontrollable, but it’s the sticking part that’s a choice.

I’m too strong and maybe too stubborn to listen to advices. Why? Because when you’ve been doing the getting and providing part, it feels like they have to listen to me. Is it arrogance? Maybe. But anyway, no one ever asks.

Even the friends I have gone on lunch with. Funny how they ask only what they are curious about because they could make better choices on their lives with the information. Like yeah, work is great. So when are you gonna ask about the other things? I’ll tell the answer. Never. Because they just don’t care.

You know the part about God’s plans being too great, we can’t imagine them? I’ve always thought I love God. He’s been my one true constant. But then I started to think that maybe His grand plans do not really include the happiness I long for. It’s not like I can complain. He gives me everything else.

Just that I also read something today.

“There’s nothing better than having people around you who care about you as much as you care about them, and who you can share your interests with.”-your keysmash says it all by noukon

(And yes, I enjoy reading fanfictions. Thank you very much.) 

Then I say to myself yeah, that could be the best. So what does it say that I don’t have it?

You know the feeling when stars turn to dust? They die, right? That’s what happens?

Well, it feels like this.