Screaming Soundless

It hurts, I want to scream but I can’t. Like always.

I don’t want… never wanted to live like this. But I learned that life is the gift, even if it means not getting what we want out of it.

Being a legacy hurts.

I’m doing my best carrying out the tasks dad left behind. Be breadwinner. Take care of mom. Help Gooch grow up into his own person. But sometimes it feels like I’m running out of love. Sometimes it feels like my love has become a lie.

I don’t know how to be accepted for me anymore. Mom keeps rejecting and denying my ideas even if it’s about myself. My brother doesn’t listen. He lives as a bummer, a person who sleeps and eats and uses his phone and takes a bath every once in a while. He’s graduated and I kept telling him to get his diploma. He doesn’t even want to do that. Mom says he’s physically sick and is afraid of working. Is it wrong that sometimes I feel so mad at the audacity of him living like that while I work to support 3 people? It’s not even me. I know God is working. I just… am I wrong to be hurt? To feel like I’m becoming small, so much less and yet so much more. Less of who I could be if I don’t have the baggages. So much more that strong independent girl that is so capable, she tends to intimidate people and learns not to want to please the crowd that she ends up alone because no one understands her. No one cares to know about her. No one cares to love her first unless she first gives them something.

I was talking to myself in the mirror earlier. Gosh, I saw her eyes… and I just can see the hurt… There is a lot of pent up emotions and no one is even asking if she’s okay.

Because she smiles when they see her. She looks proper and proud and blessed.

I just need at least one person to give me a proper hug and tell me, “Just be you when you’re with me. ”

Just one.

I just need a place to breathe. I just need someone to see me for what I truly am and help me overcome.

It’s a lonely life. Blessed and with lots of things to be grateful for. But it’s still lonely.

And I just want the lonely season to stop so I can see myself happy again. So I can feel loved, understood, cared for, listened to, welcomed, wanted, desired.

All those things I spent so many years making others feel that now I couldn’t be bothered.

Odd.

Since when did I change so much that I forgot to love?