My Plate is Full. My Plate.

The cake was ordered one day late but between cheesecake and classic chocolate, I felt like my tummy’s going to burst lmao.

Sooooo…I have to say, this birthday is waaay better than last year’s. It’s true what MJ said. You’ll get this reference if you have a nerdy side like me. She said “Expect disappointment. You’ll never be disappointed.” Only, I didn’t expect disappointments. I just didn’t expect anything really.

I was reading a book. It’s been a while since I did my devo. And there was a whole chapter dedicated to what I was going through. Surprise.

Anyway, the main point is that even Jesus didn’t push his expectations on his own blood brothers and sisters. I’m not sure about how things really went since most of that book, I think, was more on the author filling up the gaps between what was and wasn’t written in the Bible passages but he made his imagination pretty believable and easy to imagine for readers.

What I got is, essentially, God deals with me with how I love others. But as for how others love me, that isn’t on me. It’s on them which means God deals on it with them. How they love me doesn’t have any pressure on me.

And it opened up a whole new perspective. Lighter weight because it means I have lesser role to play than what I thought. It means Gooch choosing what he does is between him and God, and I know God has never stopped working on him. By the way, Gooch carried my cakes for me. He doesn’t volunteer on much. That isn’t him. But when he knows I need him, he’s there. That’s my brother for me. And I love him dearly for it. Wouldn’t trade him for anyone else really, not even for a more hygienic one.

Gooch’s timeline is his own. And what I can do is never stop believing in Him and in Gooch.

So focusing on just me and my relationship with God,  of what He expects of me, and of how I treat others and love and react to them – that’s between me and God. It’s not even about those people really. And it is a lighter burden for me.

When I start to see it that way, it makes it easier to live and be happy. And just breathe really.

Sometimes, I still wonder. . . I mean, I have this side that wishes punishment and hurt on those who were bad to us… I don’t attack them physically, but the human part of me secretly wishes for their destruction. I know the Bible says don’t wish ill on your enemies. But then there were also passages about prayers and songs asking for vengeance to rain on one’s enemy. I just… I stopped bringing down the side of me that doesn’t seek deliverance and sincerity. If someone, say a relative did something wrong or unfriendly, then I’d very much rather skip on the hypocrisy and stay away. Of course, I don’t want them in my space too or in my closest loved ones’ circle. It’s like they made an enemy out of me when they chose to act that way so I don’t have to deal with them.

I wonder what God has to say about me. I don’t want to be mean but honestly, I like this liberating honesty. Before, I used to be the goodie good girl. But now I wonder if forcing the emotions down or in the shadows and letting people go on and act as if they didn’t hurt you (whether they did it intentionally or not) did more damage than help me before. It’s like I was trying, forcing myself to live on a set of standards of who I thought I should be as God’s child.

Now I feel more real than ever. Because I don’t try to bury my feelings down anymore. I learned to put boundaries between myself and people. I learned to say no, and say yes only when I mean it. I learned to add “if you want” at the end of a hangout invite. I learned to bring happiness to myself because at the end of the day, I’m the only one capable if giving me just exactly what I want.

In a way, it’s a problem because it makes me feel arrogant. While other kids turned adults tend to rely on their parents’ financial support, putting themselves on their advice and guardianship, I’m the opposite. Which means I work to get what we need, to give me and them what they want and need. Of course, all by God’s grace.

This set-up makes me feel like I get to make choices, and they have less say on my life because I’m the one earning what’s on the table. And even I could see how that could sound arrogant but I don’t really know how else to say it because it is my reality.

So yeah. Between the line of being my truest, most honest self and still meeting God’s expectations for His daughter… I want to know where I am. May He guide me to be better. I want to make Him proud. I only got one life. It’s His.