I’m Okay Being Not Okay.

Does the title make sense?

I’m okay. And I’m not. But I am and yet sometimes I’m just sad. But I’m okay.

Funny. What does okay even mean?

I’m so very blessed. God is always great.

I want to heal inside. Lose the pent up emotions so I could be free. Be kind sincerely again.

How do I do that?

I gave away the anger to God. Is it wrong to want to watch the bad people burn?

I want to heal. I keep more anger for those who hurt my family of three.

I…

I’m tired of internal struggles.  They explode at me. Last time, it was to mom. I hurt her. I sucked.

But what do I do? I healed before…with no help from people even though some tried.

But the help they gave wasn’t enough. The care friends gave wasn’t enough. Now no one’s there to listen to me.

Mom is the only one I talk to these days. She’s great, but also not. I’m blessed and yet there are so many things I crave and long for.

Material things couldn’t buy a single person who cares. I thought I was turning into mom’s mindset. She stands apart from the crowd. She’s okay with that.

But it isn’t for me. I love her but I don’t want to be like her. But she’s the only influence I have.

Gooch always locks himself in his room, barely talking. He’s existing. But I think he still cares because he does things when asked. He brought mom a glass of water.

Little things. I think they’re more that what they seem.

The light I see… my source of happiness isn’t what it used to be. Before it felt like an ocean, now it’s a raindrop. Now, there are only moments, quick to pass, barely felt. Mom and Gooch are not happy people.

I used to be a happy person, the opposite of them. Sometimes I blame them now that I’m not. Or am I still and I just have to go out there and chase happiness?

Should I leave?

When dad died, I was the only one who was working. I still am.

Sometimes I blame mom. For a lot of things. She keeps saying my strengths aren’t the same as theirs. So fucking what? I had to grow up. It’s why I get mad when she pampers Gooch.

They had choices. I gave them choices. Responsibilities took away mine.

I’m turning 29 soon and yet my bank account barely improved. I do manage to save elsewhere though. It’s nothing compared to what my friends have, friends who are free as birds and who fend only for themselves.

I don’t like complaining. But I’m the only person in the world who could listen to me and not invalidate what I feel. I can’t let myself down. It’s why I’m strong. Because I support myself.

I have a lot of things and people to be grateful for. They feel lacking most of the time. Or is it me that’s the problem?

I want so much more from them and out of this life. But the only thing I have control of is me.

So I try… It’s life. The tragedy of it.

When you learn to be okay not being okay. I’m still trying to bring her out even if it’s like pulling teeth. I miss her sometimes. That little dreamer girl who wants to change the world, leave it a better place than it was when she came in.

If you find her, tell her “She’s alright.” She needs it. So much more than she lets on.