Gentle Waves Still Hit the Shore

If my Facebook associates see my posts that are tagged ‘Only Me’, I’d bet they’d find me a different person than who they know.

I still filter a lot. I still hide a lot.

I read a post that in Japan, they say people have three faces. One for what they show the word. The second for friends and family. The third the face one has when she/he is alone – one’s truest self.

I get that. I felt that.

Little by little, I’ve been following and sharing tidbits of my own views and my mind. I have to admit I still fear being judged. Society is fucked up like that. I barely even trust my friends. Don’t get me wrong. I trust them with selected stuff, just not all.

We care, while holding back. I guess it’s why my last best friendship ended. And yes, I said what I said. We had our ride, our fun times and sentimental sharing moments, our encouragements and hangouts and random chats and calls. It was great and not really. For me, it ended because I felt so much was expected of me. I could blame her for not caring about remembering my family’s important dates like birthdays and dad’s death anniv. I could blame her for not caring that one time I was having a hard time carrying stuff or for how she sucks at taking photos or for how she didn’t bother picking up my jacket which fell to the ground while we were taking photos. I could blame her for demanding too much of me – time, energy and money to keep up with making her happy but I know I let that happen too. And I couldn’t be a good friend to her when I was holding back and thinking to myself that between me and my fam and her, I would always choose us. So when I got tired, I made her feel replaceable. I was at fault. And now she’s in France and we aren’t friends.

The lesson is… hurt people hurt people. I already know that.

We were both hurting and needed understanding. I was physically and emotionally exhausted from work and grief. She was trying to move on from a breakup.

We both were not our best selves and neither was willing to give more than what we got.

Now months and years have passed. I have physically recovered God used the pandemic to give me rest from the long hours of traffic and commute. I’m looking for friends again. Not many are there.

It’s my fault too. Distancing and guarding my heart and all that. I rarely get asked for hangouts.

But I want it. I want it back. And I’m praying and trying and I just wish to be okay.

May God’s will be done.