i thought you were a housecat

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Good lord.

When i was growing up, i was always the fat kid. But if i keep losing weight while other people continue to get fatter, i’ll be pretty normal. I’m almost there now, just because there are a lot of very, very fat people around here. And i’m getting pretty good at making meals out of leftover rice and vegetables and going all day at work eating almost nothing.

There’s this conflict in my mind… on one hand, i’m obviously for body acceptance and for recognizing the beauty of non-thin non-white people. I’m really hopelessly attracted to short, chunky, dark women, right? But then there’s this disgust at people who do nothing but suck down soda and fast food until they’re bloated to Nilley-like proportions.

( The ghost of Nilley haunts our workplace. Will he ever return? The girl who got his spot — Gardner — quit unexpectedly. There was a window of about one week’s time when Nilley could have taken advantage of this and asked the new boss for his old spot back. He might have gotten it. But he probably didn’t know it was open because no one here can stand him and so no one would tell him. Now it’s been filled by some random woman. Such is the fate of Nilleys and all other Snitches. )

Things sure are boring around the workplace, though. I guess i should enjoy the boredom while i can because everything is supposed to change on June 1st. I’ve been trying to warn Muna and Dahir that if we start doing the scanning chore again, they’re going to have to actually do some amount of work instead of lazing around like housecats all night. The last time we did the scans, i was way too nice to people like old Mr. Davis and Miss Hastings, and picked up all their slack. But they were both old. Muna and Dahir are younger than i am, so there is no way i’m covering for them. My policy from day one has to be — 50% and not a bit more. Else i’ll soon be doing it all. Because everyone except me is lazy.

Muna and i… have watched all the Twilight movies. All of them, even the fourth one where nothing happens except marriage and pregnancy. They’re… i mean… they’re awful, but fascinating in a way. I’ve never seen wish fulfillment expressed in pop culture in such an overt and shameless manner…

…i mean, when Bella becomes a vampire, which is supposed to be some kind of horrible curse, she gets nothing but good stuff. No aging, hedonistic ultra-sex, super strength, a unique extra magical ability, and escaping from her humdrum blue-collar dad to hang out with rich, beautiful metrosexuals forever. No working through college as a waitress for her. And as the capper, when she has a baby? It magically ages right past the terrible twos and becomes a polite, adorable six-year old almost overnight — not a single dirty diaper or temper tantrum to be had.

Wouldn’t it make more sense if her dad was a rich doctor who offered her an upper-middle-class life, which she would have to abandon to live with the sexy bohemian vampires who drift in the shadows? Because love?

I dunno.

It’s just weird. Whenever a ficitonal character becomes superhuman and rises above the masses, there’s supposed to be a tradeoff, right? If you’re an X-Man, a Jedi, James Bond, or Batman…. there’s always some sort of isolation or pain that goes along with it. I always thought that if anyone ever attempted to construct a story that didn’t have that, some white-haired literary wizard-spirit would materialize and chide you for your ignorance. I guess he doesn’t exist.

I also really kind of disliked that new version of Les Miserables. The production values were amazing, it’s just that i’d give almost anything to see a movie based on the ponderous novel instead of the musical version. I mean, the novel is Victor Hugo’s masterpiece. It’s a towering epic full of war, heartbreak, violence, intrigue, and daring escapes that would make a fucking awesome Hollywood movie. The Thenardier of the book is one of the most horrific villains of all time… not a comical buffoon played by Sasha Baron Cohen, damnit.

Don’t get me wrong, the songs are good. But it’s all singing. I didn’t realize until i saw this movie that there’s a massive difference between movies where they occasionally break into song at key moments and movies where they just sing all the damn time. One of them works better than the other.

Sigh.

But hey, the Perks of Being a Wallflower movie? It’s fucking perfect. Don’t change a thing. We love you Charlie.

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As i’ve said before, everything is backwards for me. My favorite part of each day is when i arrive at work at midnight. Everything’s still ahead of me. My least favorite part of the day is when i go to sleep at noon. Even after a long day and with two Alteril pills in me, i have trouble going to sleep. And i don’t know why. It’s just that life is drifting along and i don’t feel much excitement.

There’s lots of women here. I’ll run into them when walking the dogs. There’s some cute skinny girl who smiles at me every time she drives by. She’s probably smiling at my dogs, but that kinda counts. I gotta meet one of these girls. I just want to meet some nerd chick who wants to come over and hang out with dogs and watch movies and play videogames. Why is this so freaking hard.

And this lack of overtime at work, it’s such a drag. I miss the money, but i think i miss even more the feeling of urgency. Those horrible months where everyone was working tons of extra shifts? I dunno, there’s a sense of camaraderie, seeing different people at different places and saying hey, you’re here today? And you’re going where now? Damn, that’s too much! Can you believe this bullshit?

Those were some good times. Five days a week is just… dull. Enjoy it, Marc. Everything changes on June 1st.

I want to see Iron Man 3. Now.