growing weary of the irksome raccoon

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Bleaaaah.

Memorial Day always seems to suck at my job. Previous Memorial Days have been marred by catastrophic floods, unexpected visits from bosses, and the like. This one… was just boring. Dahir stumbled in looking completely wasted/exhausted and passed out in his car for the entire shift. The whole all of it. I have no idea why he “wasn’t feeling well,” but it happens pretty often.

Both he and Muna are some of the most natural liars i’ve ever seen. They kind of have to be, since they both come from these large Muslim families with a watchful mom keeping an eye on their every move. If they want to do anything besides work, school, and prayer, they pretty much have to spin an elaborate web of pure lie.

Luckily, i’m perfectly happy to work by myself for eight hours with only a radio for company.

Things are mostly good.

If i was just working this shitty job and doing nothing else, that would be a fail. If i was just trying to survive on freelancing, that would be a fail. But the combination of the two just works out well.

Hey, bud, these days you’re lucky if you just have a job at all.

Is that still true? I hate hearing it. I don’t currently know any jobless people. Where do they go and what do they do?

I don’t know why people don’t like Star Trek: The Motion Picture, it’s really great. Certainly better than the new explosiony ones. I haven’t seen the second one currently in theaters, but that first Star Trek movie from 2009 was such crap. There’s just some sort of magic that’s been lost and yes, i am fucking old.

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Mike Huckabee is seriously on my radio right now, arguing that it’s folly to legalize marjiuana, because there’s a danger of toddlers accidentally eating their parents’ stash and getting really sick with tummyaches…

…do i even need to point out that when a toddler grabs a gun and accidentally blows someone’s fucking head off, they shrug and say, meh, these things happen?

Heh.

Minnesota, congratulations on Michele Bachmann’s retirement. Truly, the dream is over.

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Man, John was talking about the same thing i was thinking a few months ago. We gotta hang out for real this year! He might stop here in July on the way to his annual trip to see his family in Florida… or i might fly up there in September and chill for three days.

We gotta do this shit.

It’s funny, we’re probably better friends now than we were. True, the period between 1998 and 2000 was a golden age of life that can never be topped, but things were kinda strained after that. Gooch and i were working too much at Outback, and John was being kinda lazy and drunk most of the time. It drove a wedge between us. Fuck, when i think back to those days, i can’t believe how much we were doing and how fast it all went…

…but we’ve spend the last ten years in constant email communication, talking about movies, geek stuff, politics, life, and everything else. Collaborating on silly writings, heh. That’s kind of amazing when you think about it. And now we’re stable adults.

Yeah.

Gotta see the John again.

And screw Gooch for cutting all ties.

I know, i know. I should be using my precious vacation time to hook up with some girl i met on the internet. I just haven’t met any.

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I think i’m going to create a typography work that is just a faded picture of an anguished-looking face, adrift in a sea of jumbled, faded, overlapping satirical Onion-esque headlines. I started writing them down a few hours ago, and so far i have…

White House: Sajak resurrection on schedule despite sequestration

Lesbians aghast at 17% reduction in waste reclamation projects around Florida panhandle

NASA: No good candidates for lunar spokesman as of yet

UFO boycott of Earth enters ninth year

Tax-preparation simulation becomes fastest-selling XBoxOne game

What to do if your garbageman declines anal medication

87 exciting new phobias discovered

Monsanto asks court for bee apocalypse patent

Depressed teen has largest collection of McCain family paraphanelia

Presidential resolve wavers despite intensive shock therapy

Vandals squat inside unmanned aerial vehicle

Undiscovered virus theorized by extreme teen websites

How to survive the Tylenol avoidance epidemic

Tea Party member sighted at unopened Tim Horton’s in Alberta

Boehner dissembles on Hathaway skeleton controversy

China declares war on popular new energy drink

Rush Limbaugh pines for Huguenot revival

Protein Wisdom named world’s funniest comedy site

St. Patrick may have been cloned in 19th century

Wonks: Current Coachella lineup unacceptable

Six new Kardashians hypothesized by top anthropologist

Scientists recommend all-KFC diet for flatulent panda

Radio contest results in death of thousands; FCC compliant

Juggalo and Gleek find love together

Gangnam Style 15 miles beneath Antarctica

Screaming goat shuts down Tokyo stock exchange

98% of playground slides test positive for cocaine residue

Olive Garden CEO supports violent pacifist cult

Syrian game shows rated best in the world

3-D re-release of TMNT II: Secret of the Ooze shatters Avatar box office record

Nintendo Wii achieves partial sentience, demands citizenship

Sarah Palin’s death blamed on new “franch” dressing; Madrigal execs unrepentant

Mad Men series finale: Too much frottage?

Hardworking teen gives credit to Applejack, slams Pinkie Pie

Brit Hume: “I like strong boys.”

Hate your sofa? This rare breed of barn owl is to blame

Aspie teen rejects latest Palestinian overture

New app can locate homosexual veterans via GPS

Post Office to limit uranium-sniffing canine units on holiday routes

18-year old “Subway Goddess” confounds House GOP

2 in 5 Americans suffer from recurring rectal hallucinations

Wind poisoning on the rise in Texarkana area

Solar gas eruption noted in local yearbooks

Buffet to stockholders: 2014 will be the year of the Furvert

LOLcats banned in seven countries by decree of World Bank

Random attacks by Ben Bernanke increase at alarming rate

Where are all the Democratic triple amputees?

School shooter denies involvement in royal email scam

Local man ingests protein powder, is mauled to death by chimp

Cancer survivor dies in traffic accident, family sues her chemotherapist

Made-for-TV movie about made-for-TV movies lacks sufficient funding

Richard Branson purchases rare Picasso, puts it in high-Earth orbit

Oldest living human dies, second oldest becomes oldest

Bagel bakery hacks White House twitter feed, slanders competition

Republicans hamper Andromeda and Milky Way galaxy collision prevention effort

Canine virgin birth statistics greatly exaggerated according to Cambridge researchers

New cannibalism diet fad treads delicate legal ground

Lady Gaga’s DNA copyright claim faces new hurdles

Ohioans fail to notice scourge of Unitarian missionaries

Should be fun.