all hail Discordia

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Right now, i’m reading the Illuminatus! trilogy. It’s a fun romp, but it’s kind of bumming me out, and not just because i know that there were mentally disturbed people out there who read it stoned out of their minds in 1977 and believed most of it…

…but just because it reminds me how boring my life is. The books take place in a super-dense dystopian version of the United States, where hippies, Satanists, drug prophets, right-wing fascists, sex addicts, religious nuts, perverts, college students, discordians, malcontents, undercover agents, bad cops, and a thousand other types of people jostle and whirl about in an incomprehensible plot.

It reminds me of college.

It reminds me of those days when Gooch and i might leave work at midnight and end up in some random person’s basement and get high while our host talked about opium, his band, the government, or whatever. And then we’d end up at home, where we had canceled the cable because listening to the Doors and Led Zeppelin was a lot more fun. And the internet was some kind of wild frontier where there were secrets, and we drank way too much and woke up feeling like crap.

I was in that place when 9-11 happened, and i remember that it barely registered. We didn’t have cable and we were too busy doing other things.

Man, those times are so gone.

Look at me now. Eating pork chops and honey mustard. Sitting here obsessively reading political blogs and trying to divine whether Obama or Romney will win. I’m working, sure. I’m pursuing my artistic goals, sure. But every week is always the same. If i ever wanted to cut loose and do something different, i… don’t even know what i’d do. What is there to do at four in the morning in a small town?

I don’t think it’s just me, though.

I think everyone else has changed.

There’s no rebellion anymore. No mysteries. Everything is normal. Everyone i know is madly working as much as possible, or trying to scrape through school. People are still drinking and doing drugs, but it’s just… normal.

All the mad people i used to know grew up and are working perfectly normal and stressful jobs. Gooch is doing something with his law degree. John is working in an office in Virginia. Joey has his sweet office job. Michael and Kati are in Hawaii and seem to be in graduate school forever…

…man, those people used to be freaks. In a good way. Me, i’m the blue-collar loser still trying to be an artist. I was always the cautious and sensible one. You’d have never thought that i’d end up like this.

I feel like Heroin Bob, while everyone else is Steve-o. We all went through that phase, but after it was over, they had families and some kind of pressure to straighten up. But my dad was pretty much the same as Heroin Bob’s dad. I didn’t have anything else to fall back on.

God.

I can’t figure out how i’m sober these days. No pot, no booze, no beer. It’s astonishing.

There was a time, back in those golden years between 1998 and 2001, when i thought it was leading up to something. That the combination of me and Gooch and John and Joey and Michael and Kati was… special. Meaningful. Destined for some kind of greatness.

And then it just all went away.

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Things aren’t bad right now. I’m just moping.

The bright spot in my life are these nights when i work with Muna and Dahir. Sometimes weird and unexpected things happen. Sometimes they’re minor annoyances, like driving Muna home or us going out to White’s Creek because Dahir needs five bucks for gas. Typical shit. But at least it’s different.

They’re good kids. Bit spoiled, but hey. These days remind of the the glory days, they remind me of Diggs and Isaiah and those first two awesome winters at KRH. Just as then, i’m terrified that they’ll leave and i’ll be stuck with more boring old people.

Things are still tense at work. They brought in four new uptight supervisors to “save the contract.” They’re always on the prowl. The great stone Baba-Zuie is our fortress, and we defend it. They cannot discover that i work on cartoon art while Dahir sleeps, or that we watch weird old movies sometimes!

It’s not much.

It’s all i’ve got.

That, and these puppies.

And my stupid brother.

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Maybe this night job won’t vanish. Maybe they’ll renew the contract and we’ll get that $0.75 raise they keep talking about.

If so, i know what i have to do.

I have to stop doing these piddling little commissions for random people. I keep trying to stop, but then another one comes along.

$30. $45. $60. $95.

And i do it, because it feels good to get that little bit of money.

But i can’t use much of this pervy stuff in my portfolio.

I need to spend almost all of 2013 working on the ultimate portfolio. Get that Behance gallery looking proper…

…and then start applying to studios in Burbank.

Get a real job. Move away from all of this. Start the fuck over.

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I just voted for Obama. Yay, democracy.

If you’re thinking of voting, please do.

Hey, did you hear the blurb in the news about the Republican representative — the religious, pro-life family man — who cheated on his wife with a younger woman, and then tried to bully her into getting an abortion?

Yeah, that’s my representative. Scott Dejarlais. I hope that fucker loses his seat.

I wonder who’s going to win.

Fark liberals are predicting that Obama has it all sewn up. The wingnuts on the radio are claiming that Romney will win a crushing and historic victory.

What you think?

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It’s getting colder.

Come on, winter, i need you.

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