Stupid human heart

I can’t keep this up. I love Jay very much. More than I’ve ever loved someone I’m in a relationship with. But this pain is more than unbearable and I won’t let it continue. I haven’t eat much for the last week. Slept very little. Have been the picture of a victim and grovelling behind him promising to make it better. We had a fight sort of when I was home for Christmas, so many factors involved but I feel like I’ve been over them so many times I can’t even write them again. It was dumb and will never happen again, whether I’m with him or not. It was my fault, completely. He said he understood but still needed some space because he was hurt. I took this to mean I wait qiuetly in the wings until he comes to get me. Since that conversation he was texting me, calling me, I even saw him and he kissed me and held me. I understood this as him coming around. I was sure of it almost. LIttle voices inside me constantly doubting though. Tying this relationship to all my old ones like a string of balloons and taking it to a place in my mind where I’ve died so many times before with others. I maintained hope perhaps because I am weak and human and couldn’t get through the day as it was and had to have something. I texted him last night asking what he was doing, he made plans with friends. The night before I was out with my friends and they spent hours telling me of course he’ll want to be with me, don’t worry abuot it. Not that I have some value placed on new years eve, but in my head he was supposed to want to spend it with me. I called him told him I was sad but understood. He wanted to know about my plans. I told him I turned down some things because I wanted to give him time and see if he’d want to spend it with me. I told him I wouldn’t be happy going out pretending to haev a good time with other people. He said he felt awful and it would be on his mind all night. i told himto go out have fun. I meant it. His guilt comes from a place I can’t reach or influence. But i know in the past I haven’t helped kill it off. Intellectually I understand not wanting to go from feeling wounded to spending the whole night with your tormentor. But when we talked last week he said he loved me so much, wanted to be with me, just needed some space to process. Kept in constant contact with me. Let me help him with paperwork and job searching… I just assumed. I asked him yesterday if he still loves me, he said of course he does. I asked if he misses me, he says he’d like to see me very much. That he might be free Sunday. He said something about a job in Nassau and 6 days a week possibly. I feel like he’s doing everything in his power to push me away without actually breaking up with me. He said before he wants me in his life and didn’t run away initially because he loves me so much and can’t lose me. But I dont know if he knows – he is losing me. This pseudo relationship we are in where he takes and i give until I pass out, it can’t continue. I know I was wrong, but the depth of my wrongs … they don’t deserve this. It’s not like I cheated on him. There are two people in this relationship. He may need space but I can’t live in this underworld where I have lost so much of my muscle tone because I’ve stopped eating and my body experiences days and days of fever from just the thought that he may not ever want me again. It’s unfair to me. I’m tired of waiting around to see. He cannot have it all – space to "do me" and me in his back pocket when he is vulnerable. New Years may have been too much to ask too soon but by Tuesday, something has to change. If just the definitions. I won’t live like this no matter how much I love him. I can’t fall out of love with him quickly but I can walk away and preserve what is left of my heart and mind. I have decided that when I talk to him this weekend, see him face to face, and  he doesn’t feel like he wants to even label me as still his girlfriend, I will end it. And it’s sad because I need so much from him right now, but a label, loud and clear, would be enough to sustain me. A label would mean he’s still invested and it’s not just me. A label would mean I can text him first sometimes, I can have some needs too. It would mean he’s in this and wants to work it out together. I don’t care if he goes out with his friends instead of me sometimes. God knows he didn’t do enough of that before. I did. He was just latched on like he would die without me. Texting constantly, calling faithfully, I definitely needed that at the time but I can see it wasn’t quite healthy. To be honest the motions we have been doing the last week feel more like a healthy relationship than spending every free moment in contact with each other. I tried to explaint o him before that there are times I cant text him back because I’m so caught up in trying to make my job work or im with a friend who’s having a tough time. I feel like now he’s needing this space I’ve always had and he’s feeling like it’s pathological. I hope I’m right and I hope I can make him see that this is okay. Honestly I just need to know what’s in his head, because what he’s diong day to day is nto a crime. He just seems like such a confused person. He says that yes he was hurt but also he can’t function as a man because he doesnt haev money or a job and when he’s with me he thinks about nothing but me and cant focus on creating these thigns in his life. I have news for him, he was still with me this week and made many things happen with job searching and money. I just need the fucking label and the fucking statement that he’s with me, he’s in, WE are going to do this. Which is what he said last week but honestly it doesnt feel that way to me. I’ve been through such a shit storm of past emotions since this all happened, I’ve spent hours on the phone and in my head trying to work through what abuot this debilitating pain is him/us and what of it is my past. It’s fucking exhausting to keep this up. I am pretty clear on where the feelings come from that arent letting me eat or sleep right now, mostly my fucked up past. But also I’m clear on what I need. Definition. Clarity. Intention. Given that, I can deal with a surprising amount of ambiguity. I have been able to tolerate so much more than I ever have in the past. I am surprised and impressed with myself and so happy on some level to see this progress that has happened in the last year and a half. I wouldnt have been able to live if this had happened four years ago. I didnt have the skill set at all. I did so much that was new to me, fessed up to my mistakes, genuinely learned from them, held the ambiguity of someone’s pain and love in my hands and the same time, tolerated distance, sought out support from the people I love, didn’t lash out at him for even thinking about leaving me, didn’t lash out at him for anything, instead I heard him and encouraged him to say what was on his mind, I apologized, and I sincerely deeply meant it. All of this is brand fucking new to me. And in my lucid moments I am overjoyed that I have grown so much as a person, but 70% of the time I am just sad and wounded and wanting him to run back to me and say the storm is over. I guess that’s because I’m human. And in love. A couple weeks before this all went down I had some realizations about our relationship and discovered that it actually was a beautiful ama

zing thing, that he was a beautiful amazing thing. It was part the trauma we endured together before i left to go home, andlooking at him as we were both dazed and in disbelief and thinking tihs is the man I want to go through thigns like this with, he is so strong. It was part overhearing a conversation in dunkin donuts, bus drivers talkign abuot good relationships and someone said you just gotta find someone who is kind and good to you and go from there. It was part saying i love you to each other for the first time and the security that brings. Many things but all of them resulted in my being crazy head over heals in love with him right before i left new york. And I guess it’s that strength of feeling combined with the sickening blow of separation that leave me weak and devastated. It was like i had just figured otu the secret to the universe, to us. I was going to consolidate these feelings while gone and tell him abuot everything when i came back. But I waited too long. And afer we fought, I panicked and told him everythign and he saw it as me saying what I had to say to not lose him. I told him I had all these feeligns weeks ago, but he was still hurt. I get that. He still feels lost in the world, I definitely get that. Something in me really thinks we should work this out, that we can develop something better and stronger from this rubble. And this is despite countless hours of conversation with my mom and my friends about how thye think I need someone stronger, with mroe direction, someone with less human frailties. I agreed with them for a while just to feel something other than sadness, but for some crazy reason I believe in us. I believe in him. This feels deeper than me just not wanting to be alone. Much deeper. This is a grounded, directed feeling. Not just the floating sensation of loss and falling from cliffs of other relatinoship losses. Initially it felt that way but now i just want to fight for this because it’s right. I dont know how much my dignity will let me fight but I’m giogn to try. Ive never been the kind of person to have someone say no and beg for a yes. i run at even a hint of maybe not. There is something about this guy that makes me want to stay. I guess the thing that would make me go for certain would be him not evidencing ambiguity or confusion anymore, it wuold be a lack of emotion in his eyes, his inability to say clearly he is with me and wants to get through this with me. That would end it. Even if he couldnt say the words,  I would end it for him. My state of the art self preservation would kick in and I would keep my dignity and sense of self worth. But not after saying every single thing on my mind that I said here. Not after trying. I want to be a person who fights for what is right and what they are passioante abuot. I dont want to feel like a railroaded victim. And I wont waste away in my bed any longer.

I’ve been practicing my speech. What I want him to know: Needing space is okay. before, we didn’t have enough space for the other things and people in our lives. We were addicted to each other and it was becoming detrimental, past just love. I have been thinking a lot this week about space and at first it just hurt to know you needed that, but now I’ve come to realize relationships need room for other things, I’ve been thinking about how this week has gone. You’ve been very busy and focused with finding work, and we still found time to text, talk and see each other. I think this is okay. I don’t think it’s healthy to have this strange undefined space thing and then go back to the way things were. I think we have to redefine the way this works. I think healthy adult relationships involve a lot of love and involve our friends and taking time to do the things we like and taking time for ourselves. I know that you hve a tendency to put me ahead of everything else, you said you’re contantly thinking abuot me and cant focus on anything else. This week I saw that you thought about me and  loved me and put what yuo had to do first. This shows me that it is possible. And it’s healthy. There might be days when we cant be in constant contact with each other or weekends we cant spend entirely just with each other, and this isnt pathological. This isnt a bad thing. It’s a healthy adult thing. I think we got caught up because this is such a new thing for both of us. I think that’s okay, all that time together really gave us a strong bond and love for each other. But I think going forward we cant be waiting for it to be the way it was, it shouldnt be, for either of us. I’m wondering if thats why we’ve both been so confused lately. You want me in your life and love me so much but I feel like you had trouble understanding how it would work with the way we were and you taking on new responsibilities. For me this means we have to look into this being a different situation, a healthier one. I really took time this week to step back and ask myself if I really want this and why I want it and I tlaked it out with people for hours. And I know I do want you, and I want a healthier relationship Obviously with the thigns we talked about before being different but also with giving ourselves permission to have fuller lives. I am willing to rework this into something less addictive and detrimental, I think we have to. I dont see this being a hell of a lot different than it was this week. I just need to know what you think and if yuo want this too.