sick sick sick

A bad fucking mood for almost a week now. Taken advantage of at every orifice. Roommates who use my shit. I don’t use anyone’s shit, I’m an only child. More than that I’m a parentified only child. Ex roommates who stole my money, got taken to court, and STILL don’t pay me. Friends who talk only of themselves. My sick sick stupid heart that scoops them up and takes care of them when they’re dying when they could care less how my day went. A supervisor that sticks me with 30 fucking clients when we’re supposed to have 12. And quietly admonishes me for forgetting things. A mother who I entertain all week, take her everywhere she wants to go, try so so fucking hard to have conversation. She doesn’t even call to say she got home. ex friends who have forgotten me and I still cry in my sleep over the love we’ve lost. Near-lovers who worshipped and promptly forgot me as well. Acquaintances who scour me for information, my knowledge, what do they offer me. The disgusting men who leer at me, call to me, stealing something I can’t quite name. Violations. Losses. Assaults. What is anyone offering me anymore. No one has consistently loved me for long. I’m forgettable. Vapor. Truly. I’ve lost so much. Or so many never cared in the first place. It’s astounding how fucked I am by life. By myself. My full potential is somewhere out there wasted by the side of the highway. My body, my soul, my mind, none of it where it could be. Self hatred breeds strong in the dark hollows of these realizations. What happened to my blind optimism? My sureness. My joy. What happened to the spell that got me through the darkest winter with glee and plunged me into this pain as soon as it’s over. What happened to all the things I’ve gained and quickly lost. Is this the theme of my life? My fate. My story. I had forgotten what it felt like to not want to wake up. Familiar hatred for those happy people, those pretty people. What happened… what happened…