koru

I saw him again last night, Mark. After weeks of dodging and ducking and weirdness I was getting over him and our drunken night. He asked me a week ago if we could meet up on Friday. In the mean time I had started dating someone so much more predictable and stable. Yet I accepted his invitation without thought. My friends think I’m stupid, why would I want to play this game with someone who clearly is not ready to be with me. Because. Just because. It’s a feeling, an instinct. I wondered if I just liked being liked. But now I’m liked by someone else, Jay, and I still want to see Mark. Maybe in the daylight he makes less sense in my life.I told my best friend I just need to know. It’s been so uncertain but there was that connection I don’t have with anyone so I had to figure it out. Last night I met some of his friends who I love. We hung out with them for a while and then we left. He pulled me to the side and spilled everything. How he’s so afraid to fuck this up and how he really wants to be with me. He explained his ridiculous behaviour the last couple weeks. Told me how amazing and beautiful and intelligent I am and how he feels so honored to even be holding my hand. His life is so complex and he is oh so dark and twisty. I’m drawn to that depth. I told him I want honesty, no matter what it is. I don’t want this making plans and flaking out bullshit. If you’re feeling some kind of way fucking say it. And he did. He called me something in spanish that means treasured, wonderful, special and I died a little. He told me he’s old fashioned, despite our drunken dirty conversations. He said he’s not a New York guy and I was like THANK FUCKING GOD. I told him I’ve had my fun the past year with a lot of NY boys and it’s not sustainable, it’s not that fun anymore. I want more substance with my fun. We were sitting on a flower bed wall and he got down on his knees in the street and asked me to wait for him, wait until he finishes this class and has more time to be with me, then he called me that treasure spanish word and he kissed my hands. I swear to god I’ve never had someone do something so romantic. wtf. This boy pulls some craziness. He was also realistic and said he’s sure I’m dating other people and anything could happen in a month but just be honest about it. He says he can’t not have me in his life, even if he only gets to be my friend. This boy wrecks me every time. Every time. This is the fourth time we’ve hung out. Already a roller coaster of feelings and experiences. Four times. wtf. Brain tells me this is not sustainable, move on. Heart says how could you NOT be with him!? Realistically now that I’ve met Jay, who is stable and says what he feels and doesnt play games with texting or asking about the next date, I know I need stability. Right now in my life I require that. Not trying to downplay him into just being stable, he seems pretty great too. At first I felt he was just simple, easy, no brainer. He is tall and hot and a man, a real man. He seemed a little typical , a NY momma’s boy. But the more we talk the more I see his depth. He shared some things with me this week that tell me he’s not so simple. I’m always attracted to ex dealers, ex gang members, ex bad boys, current bad boys. Both of these guys came out with their histories of bad behavior after a while and I had no idea, face value they seem like "nice young men" as my mother would say. Nice, boring young men. I can’t help that it’s hot when they’re a little bad. Jay talked about slashing someone’s tires because they owed him money and I was like, helloooo, who is this? Evolutionarily speaking this should not be what I look for in a man. And as a primary state of functioning it’s not. But damn it doesn’t hurt. And I’m not interested in procreation anyway. I feel pretty fortunate to have two great guys in my life who care about me. There were years of rage in my relationships, a year of shenanigans in my bed, no substance, no real happiness, no one actually caring about me, so this is quite a welcome change. For once I feel worthy of this. All of it.