Magick and stuff

I woke up today and decided I was going to break up with Sin. I had watched an episode of America’s Got Talent and saw the cutest little boy that was adopted. All I could think of was that I would still have a chance to adopt if I was with a partner that was interested in starting a family with me. I broke down and cried at the thought of never having the chance to have my own family. Sin already has kids, he doesn’t want any more, although he acted like he did at the beginning of our relationship. He used to rub my belly and tell me things about how I’d make a good mom someday. I’m well past the age to have children growing inside of me! I’d have to do a surrogate or adopt, there’s no other choice.

I just sat on the edge of the bed and decided what I’d say to Sin. ‘I love you very much, and I’ve decided that I want to start a family of my own. I know you have expressed that no more kids are in your future, and I was hoping you were open to it, but you already know I cannot carry a child. I would need to go through a lot to bring a child into my life. If that’s something that you would want to do with me, that would be wonderful, but I know your kids are your priority and I respect that. If you are absolutely sure you don’t want to move forward with a future that includes a child with me, then I unfortunately have to consider moving on.”

There we’re so many variations of the above words that I ran through my mind over and over. I started to have a panic attack. I realized I met the nicest man in the world, and I’m letting him go? I’ve dated countless men and he’s the only one who has made any sense or made me feel real love. I can’t go on another 50 dates to waste more time and energy to find the one. I’m too old to do this. My heart has been through way too much pain. Dating last year was a complete nightmare, and I went out with A LOT of guys to only find out that there is a lot of shit out there that wears sheep clothing. This is my first time dating where texting was involved, and it was absolute bullshit. Texting is not a form of communication that I love. I want you to call me and chat. I want to get to know YOU, not read your texts. Sin calls, Sin texts, Sin sends photos of the kids and makes things interactive and non-boring. This is why I love and chose to be with him–but something was missing from the relationship.

Then, something happened. Back up three days ago, and I did a spell to help strengthen our relationship and improve communication. Normally I don’t hear from Sin on the days he has the kids, but I heard from him, and he said something to me he has never said before. He commented on a photo I posted that I looked beautiful. He’s never told me that, or has he ever complimented my appearance. After 9 months of relationship, he finally said something?! Part of my spell was that I wanted him to have the strength to express himself to me. To tell me things like ‘you’re beautiful’. He just never had the strength to do it. It seems like such an easy thing to do… but for him, it took 9 months to say it. For me, hearing simple words to make me smile is very important. For him, it must be a big deal to say that he loves me or thinks I am beautiful, because when he texted that, I nearly cried. It felt very special to me. I’ll admit I felt very insecure because he had not said it. I thought that perhaps he wasn’t attracted to me, although he had referred to me as being “perfect” in the past. I’ll never question him on why he doesn’t say things to me often. He may have different ways of doing things growing up with parents that are not from the US. Maybe they didn’t say that they loved him. Maybe his wife left him because he didn’t tell her that he loved her or tell her she was beautiful. I definitely am starting to see things from her point of view now. He’s a wonderful man, and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why she left him for another man. I might have to start talking to a counselor again, because life is very confusing for me.