Love is beautifully painful

Love feels different with each person that I’ve fallen for. I remember falling in love when I was 16, and he told me we were going to get married. Young little virgins, we were. Then, after we had sex, things got a little strange and he started talking to other girls. He left me for a girl that I knew. I was completely devastated and my parents were worried I would hurt myself. I learned quickly and early on that love could take a turn in an instant, and to keep my eyes peeled. Relationships that followed were not good.

I fell for a guy in college, and he cheated on me every chance he could get. He and I started becoming physically violent to one another. I’d find phone numbers in his wallet and I would just beat him as hard as I could. I stayed with him for three years, and when I tried to leave, he threatened to kill me and my family. I still have the letter he sent me as proof. I had a new boyfriend that helped me escape, and due to all of my past issues, I didn’t treat him very well. That didn’t last long, but we are still friends to this day. Fast forward through a bunch of players that pretended they were my boyfriend, through an alcoholic that cheated, and 50 first dates with men who were afraid of commitment.

I lived with a boyfriend for 2 years who was the sweetest person I had ever known, and I was loved the hardest by this man. Things were going fine until I snapped on him and that was it. My temper once again got the best of me. Then, I found out I had an undiagnosed thyroid issue.. who knows how long I had it, but for years it had caused me to act crazy and feel like I was mad ALL THE TIME. I gained 100 lbs.

Then I met my husband. He hinted that he wanted to marry me on our first date, and I was not really into him at all. This guy pursued me like nothing else and I gave in because I was tired. I was tired of games, cheating, and broken hearts. I forced myself to love him and get engaged within 60 days. It didn’t feel right and I cried a lot, but I knew this was the end to my pain of the game I was playing for 15 years with men. He was 10 years older than me, and I felt like he was the most intelligent man in the world. As I got to know him, he made me laugh, and he was like a big kid–always having fun and finding cool things for us to do.

When my dad passed away unexpectedly, I didn’t want to get married anymore. I just wanted the world to explode and take me with it. I was depressed for years and we put off the wedding for 9 years. By then, I already knew he was breaking down.. mentally and physically. He was bitter, hated everyone, had a temper. He did not do any physical exercise, so his body was not supported by muscle mass and he became disabled. I hated him. I don’t know if I ever really loved him at all. The 13 years we were together… I don’t remember any of it today. The memory of it is gone. I cannot be forced to love someone.. I need to be able to pick and choose who I want and naturally fall in love… which brings me to my next relationship.

After my divorce, I had MANY choices of men. I was physically fit, looked amazing, and I had too many choices coming at me from all angles. I was more confident at this stage than any time in my life and I was ready to move on. I met “hottie”. Probably the most handsome man I’d ever seen, and I never thought anything would happen between us. He made me nervous, I’d be literally shaking when he was on his way over to see me. Our first date was just us snacking on stuff and smoking cigarettes, which I had quit years prior. He kissed me and I don’t think I was the same since then. Something changed inside of me. All I could think of was that he was the guy I’ve been waiting for my entire life. He was funny, smart, and his amazing body and face just had me dying inside. He was the type of guy that brought gifts, would pick you up and carry you into the bedroom, make you breakfast in the morning and have wild sex 4 times during the night. It was insane and I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life, but I was terrified of losing him.

So terrified, in fact, that I could never tell him that I loved him. Months later, I just fell hard for hottie, and my heart was singing. I couldn’t work at all. I sat at work just staring at the computer and I could not type. I closed my eyes, leaned back in the chair, and day dreamed about the last time I had seen him and how my orgasms were unforgettable. He’d make me come 20 times or more and I never had thought it was possible to do! I had been with over 30 men at this point, and nothing compared to this.. and he had a small penis! Never judge, ladies!

As things were going well, I asked my spiritual advisor if I should tell him I loved him. She said.. ummm.. he’s not relationship material. She told me he’s focused on work and family. My heart dropped as my advisor has always been pretty spot on with everything. I asked if the future looked okay for us, and she was very hesitant and said that I needed to really be patient. So, I held off on talking to him about anything. The summer rolled around and he said work was busy, so we started seeing each other less. Texting was seldom, no phone calls. I panicked and starting going on dating sites and seeing other people. All I wanted to do was mask the anxiety I had thinking about him. I saw him maybe 2x per month that summer, and I really started to break down. I texted him.. I miss you. I miss seeing you regularly. It took him two days to respond.. I miss you too and I want to see you this weekend. The weekend came and went and I didn’t hear anything until Tuesday. “Hey beautiful, I can’t wait to see you. Tonight?” A fucking Tuesday? I couldn’t resist.

That day, I met his ex. Somehow this universe thought it would be funny to connect me with his ex that very day and she called me. She wanted to hire me for a job, but I recognized her name… “Are you the ex of…?” She was dumbfounded. I didn’t care about the job anyway. She and I talked for two hours about him and I found out A LOT. My takeaway from that conversation is that he has issues due to lack of money and his brother is successful and he’s not, so he hates himself. Also found out he loves prescription drugs. Everything started to make sense… and she also told me to get checked for STDs ASAP. I sat in the car in shock after speaking to her, and my mind was racing thinking about how I’d spent 7 months loving this man that probably most likely does not give a shit about me… and he was on his way over.

He came into the house and right away I told him I had spoken to her. He seemed very confident that she didn’t say anything damaging. I told him what she said and he laughed and said she has a long history of being a psycho. He told me a lot of things about her that I actually do believe.. he had previously told me these very same things months ago. He asked me if I wanted him to leave, and I asked.. look, I need to know if I’m the only woman you’re with.  Am I the only one? He looked down at the floor and said.. yes, you are the only one. I was not convinced, but my heart kept calling to me to say something, to tell him how I felt. I fell asleep in his arms and in the morning, it was business as usual.. breakfast, chatting, kissing. When he left, I had the emptiest feeling inside of my body that felt like my soul had just disappeared. I called my doctor.. I needed help.

I sought out counseling and it took several weeks before I got an appointment. I was finally able to talk to someone outside of my circle of friends about this relationship. The counselor, an older man, said that if I am not getting what I need from this guy, then I need to move on. It was point blank.. he didn’t want to discuss anything else about hottie’s personality or what may be going on, he said the truth is you’re not getting what you want from him, which is a commitment, so you need to move on. Damn. That hit me hard. All this time I was being patient with the guy to give him a chance to get to know me, but I was suffering from lack of communication. There was NOTHING Hottie said or did to lead me to believe this relationship was going anywhere. I knew what I had to do.

I was moving in with my nightmare roomie (read past posts) and Hottie offered to help me move. He spent 3 days packing my things, moving things over, and mounting all of my shelves. He worked extremely hard on this, and I was very impressed. My roomie was very curious about our relationship, so she asked him if he was my boyfriend, which was never established prior to her asking. He said “FUCK YES” as an answer. He almost acted surprised that she had to ask. I was instantly relieved, regardless of our very strange and mysterious relationship. I thought to myself: Why did I NOT KNOW that he considered me as his girlfriend? He never mentioned our status, I never asked. The elated feeling that I had after hearing this disappeared when he started becoming distant again. Not texting, not calling, no communication. I heard from him on a random weekend, saying that he missed me and wanted me to stay over at his place. I told him that I’d love to see him, but I’d need to know FOR SURE that he was not going to cancel on me. I waited until a day before our proposed date and asked if I should shop for groceries to bring over. He said he would have to postpone until a week later, but he was excited to see me. I did an experiment. I did not text or call him at all. I waited for him to get a hold of me, instead of me bugging him to talk. An entire month went by.

A month went by and I knew that it was surely done. I left a very nice text message that basically said that I hope he was well, but it was time for me to move forward with life. My heart was absolutely shattered and torn, and he never texted back. What he DID do was stalk my Instagram page for several months after that text. He watched every single story I posted.

My birthday was coming and I was dead set on having a date, even if it was just a quick dinner. I met with three guys for dinner dates, and they did not ask for a 2nd, which was not something I was used to, so I started to doubt myself. I had lost loads of weight, was in shape, and looking 10 years younger than my age–I was definitely not worried about my appearance. My personality can be a bit quirky, but I can make men laugh, and I am a good listener/question asker. The first date I had was with a guy, slightly overweight, but I really like dad bods. He kissed me and said he wanted to see me again that same week. Never heard from him again. The second guy was really funny, we got along very well, and he also said the same thing…that he wanted to hang out again that week… nothing. The third guy came to my house, with the roomie at home. He brought a giant bouquet of flowers and treats for my dog! I made steak, and this guy gobbled it down like he was going on a survival reality show the next day. He ate everything and loved it. Next thing you know, he’s SNORING in my chair. He said he was tired and going home, so he hugged me and said he wanted to hang out in a few more days. NOTHING. I was at a standstill. I could not understand what was happening. (Welcome to online dating!!!)

A few days after my birthday, I was browsing through a Facebook group about dating, and they were asking how everyone had met their spouse/significant other, and what dating apps were considered good. I was surprised to see Facebook Dating was mentioned a few times, and I had to remark my negative experience on the app. I said something along the lines of the app being ghetto, and this woman assured me that she met her husband there…I saw a pic of her husband and that was enough for me to know that the people on the app may not be what I was looking for. But.. something told me to do it anyway. After just a few days of swiping, I matched with “Sin”. He was exactly what I wanted.

After chatting for a few hours, he said… I think I really like you. He then said he wanted to meet me on the weekend. I had already made up my mind that I liked this guy and I meditated on bringing positive energy into my life. I first laid eyes on him outside of my home, he was opening the car door for me. His energy hit me like a thunderbolt.. it was more like a rainbow of laser beams. I never met anyone so happy before. We had a fun day together, and we ended up making out for an hour, then holding hands. I could feel that his mind was set, and I became worried that I’d get stuck committing to someone I hardly knew (my ex-husband all over again). It was too late. We were already discussing the future and wishing we had met each other sooner in life. But to say I was ‘forced’ to fall in love is not true. This was a very natural and slow progressing love that I had not really experienced before. It is very real love, and it is still progressing and growing each day.

My problem is that I am impatient. I want love NOW, I want that ring NOW. It could be because I need reassurance that someone loves me, or that the relationship is going to last past 6 months. We are almost 8 months into this, and I am not sure what is going on in his mind, to be honest. Our living situation is a bit difficult (we both have roomies), and he has a few children on top of that with a crazy ex-wife. I don’t know where I fit into his life, although I’ve met his best friend and I think I got the stamp of approval. What I do know is that Sin has told me that I am loving, caring, sweet, and ‘perfect’. Perfect boobs, he says. He said he loved me twice. Yet, I’m still waiting to see where this is headed, and I’m being impatient.

My psychic advisor said to hang in there.. that things will be slow to progress, but the relationship will go further. He’s worth waiting for. He’s everything to me, and he’s really all I’ve got. He has family to worry about, and I don’t have many people in my life. I am willing to work hard to save money for our future together, if that’s on the horizon. I want to fold his underwear and make him breakfast before work. I want to do everything to make him and myself happy. I am ready for this! All I hear from friends is “manifest” your future with him… trust me, I am manifesting my head off trying to get things to move forward. Some friends tell me to dump him. I am going with my gut on this one, and I will wait until our year together has hit its mark. If nothing has progressed by then, I am going to start asking for things. If that doesn’t pan out, then I’m going to probably lose him. I am too old to be wondering where my life is headed. It needs a solid direction, and I need him to be on that same track.