I’m somewhere in the middle

Since moving into my own apartment, I’ve gone through a lot of meditations where I am asking the Universe for ANY sign that I am on the right path in regards to my relationship. He is so amazing. I know I’ve written shit about him in the past, and whatever, things change. He changed.

Although I still only see him once per week, I am getting used to this schedule. He calls twice during the week and keeps in touch daily through text and sending random crazy YouTube videos of things exploding or cats that are up to no good. He’s defs on my same wavelength. I’ve never felt so comfortable and uncomfortable with someone before. I can eat and slop around with food and he doesn’t care. I can swear and act like an idiot and he loves it. I truly love this guy. The uncomfortable stuff is the stuff with his family life. It is completely separate from me, and that feels weird. It is odd that he has this whole house that I never get to see, and kids running around inside of it. I don’t even know that person…the dad that he is.

I sit here at night alone, and I think about what he may be doing. Cooking dinner for the kids? Watching a movie with them? Are they laughing and playing around? I never thought that I’d feel so left out of something, but I do. To love someone so much and not be part of their everyday life… it hurts. But, this is what I chose, and I have to deal with it.

My tarot cards…I have had a reading done by someone I trust. She said he is not ready for this total commitment. He thinks about marriage, but cannot do it right now.