Too Emotional

 Why am I so emotional? I wish I could turn it off. I’m surrounded my unemotional, medicated individuals who live a plastic gap commercial life, mediocre unadventurous lives and their ok with it!

I could take medication to take these emotions away. But I don’t want to. I want to paint, want to write, want to be emotionally passionate and help others who need to be shown love that others cannot give. I can’t handle all the repetitive daily chores that I must handle day in and out. There’s no life, no meaning. No social interaction that’s real. How is this ok? How am I suppose to keep my mechanical work going when I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the awe of sacrificial love that God graciously had chosen me for to see and simply say that I have priorities to uphold. My mind gives me excuses "I do not have enough time" and "my priorities is to focus on school", "work on my demandingness of my job". And continual take care of a house that never seems to get done. I don’t have enough time! Its too much. Busy nothingness that overwhelms me. Where is the room for relationships? Why are we forcing ourselves into a world a mechanical isolation and being told its a good thing?

Everyone else seems to handle it just fine but me!

Sometimes I believe I was born in the wrong time area. My artistic side is not encouraged. I want to be in a place where I can flourish and do what I know I’m good at. Why is it proper to spend most of our time working for something we could care less about doing something for someone that doesn’t care about us. We live in the riches place on earth and still spend most of our iives working somewhere we can’t stand to be at.

Or is that just me…

is there something wrong with me. I know this wont last and I’m in school to pursue my dreams. But why doesn’t my husband see that I can’t just suck it up it still doesn’t take care of the depravity on how I feel. I’m so stressed out and can’t stop picking at my nails. I feel so held down. Once again… held down. He always tells me that hes not holding me back…. thats just how I feel. Oh God help me to get rid of this trapped feeling. I want be free, free emotionally. ME ME ME I I I… Thats all its about ,eh?

Medication wont help it, will just avoid the pain. I must get through this.

Oh how child abuse damns the soul… and yet I learn.