Grow

The only reason how he can tell his own father is in pain is by the way he put his cup down a little harder than usually on the counter! That is how he knows that his own father is in pain!? For his dad does not express it any other way. He does not get angry, he does not talk about it, he does not act differently, he doesn’t know how to show anything to anyone and somehow my husband can tell that his dad is having a hard time with his own loving mother passed away is by the way he put his drink down harder on the counter shows that he is upset!! Tell me how that is healthy! Tell me why that is a good way of handling things?

 Getting angry, yelling, throwing things. Being emotionally uncontrollable. Is one thing that I have learned is not a healthy thing to do, but why is doing the other extreme any better? Is this not as bad as a person out of control, that is too expressive in his pain worse? Well we act as if containing all this pain is the way to be.

 Right now my husband sits across from me in a coffee shop in complete silence. Not out of peaceful love but out of discomforting disconnectedness. I write this down on my computer because my mind wants to connect in pain, I am hurt and am in need of love, as my face begins to welt up in stillness. I can not express myself to him of how I have been in pain this week.

 When you love someone don’t you want to know their thoughts, wonder what they are thinking, why they make the choices to touch their face and absorbed what they see? Where they are coming from to understand the captivating love that draws you into them? Where have they lived is a simple assumption of who they are to you. Why do you love them? Isn’t that something you would like to know? To love someone is to find out what experiences have made them who they are today, what dreams they want, why their mind works the way it does. Connect and become one in thoughts and body in every moment of changes that they recall. To learn about things you never thought of and grow. To love someone is to give of you, to pour into them and give them life. If there is no mystery to the one you love you do not love them.