12/14/2011

I’m drained from crying every other night. Get up in the middle of the night to cry hard for 10-20min to get that release that relaxes me and puts me to sleep. Til that happens my body wells up with pain before the pressure to explode it given its outlet to a puffy face of tears.

Realizing through the years how messed up my home life was growing up, one of my oldest friends told me a story of me snapping at him is anger when he was trying to help. He was shocked especially because I never showed my anger. I remember that talk, I remember us hanging out, I don’t remember showing my anger like he described it. I had no idea I had an anger problem and I now know where it came from. For myself it comes from a past of males mistreating me, if I don’t cry it turns into anger, crying is something I never used to let myself do and as a result and I was an anger girl waiting to explode. No. not at other… I was a sweet, soft, spoken girl, but not to my family or the ones I dated. I now realize how horrible I treated them. My husband doesn’t understand how bad it used to be, at the beginning of our marriage he saw I little, and I thank him for defusing that area of me. lately its been hard and he doesn’t understand my pain, he doesn’t know when I get up in the middle of the night and cry my eyes out. Its hurts when I tell him sometimes and I get no response. He’s nothing like me and I’m nothing like him. Will this ever end? What am I to learn from it?