Turning the Corner

Here I am.  I go to counselling, have a part-time job, smoke weed to avoid doing blow, and sitting at home on a Thursday night, preparing to be the Maid of Honor at my sister’s wedding.

Here I am.  I smoke weed daily on my "on" weeks, near-daily on my "off" weeks, and still do blow about once every 6 weeks on special occasions.  I drink more when when I’m stressed or depressed, and in my head I have a dialogue that goes "It’s not a drinking problem – it’s a drinking solution," and think to myself how clever I am.  I just did two rails on the night before my sister’s wedding in order to stay up long enough to finish this entry and gather my shit together before I pass out.

Here I am.  Dyke, dyke, dyke.  Short "Shane from the L-Word" hair, baggy jeans, leather belt, men’s clothing all over.  I sit here, in my gay neighbourhood, with my gay hair and my gay clothes, living my gay life, and I think about rebellion.  I admire my wedding-inspired manicure and pedicure, consider buying a wig, think about putting my energy and effort into my image and body depiction again.  How easy is it, step by step?: tan; makeup; hair (cut, colour, style); nails, toe and finger; heels; tight, revealing outfit; slight shake of the ass with each stride,  and I don’t even try very hard, because of my innate sexuality and tantalizing femme tease.

Here I am.  I’m meeting new people, thinking about business prospects, and constantly living with the intention of learning from my actions and behaviours.  There’s not enough time in a day for me to think about all of the things on my mind to process these days – from my change in approach to sex with my current primary partner, to the levels of trust and commitment I choose or do not choose to place in people, to my restlessness in business, pleasure, and everything in between.  Everything is up for scrutiny and analysis, but with only about 18 hours a day of consciousness – and only about 14 of those being worth putting effort into – it’s hard to find the time to work through it all and still not be a total spazz.

Here I am.  I’m doing my best.  I’m doing what I can.  I’m learning.  I’m healing.  I’m realizing that every day is the first day of the rest of my life.  I’m realizing that I have an entire life to live.  I’m striving to live in the moment while valuing my future.

Exposed.  Vulnerable.  I want to be both open and closed, available but private, and it’s eluded me thus far but I believe it’s possible.