This Vessel I’m In

I have so many different body images that sometimes I don’t even feel like the body I’m in is really mine.  Sometimes it feels like a vessel or a tool, a means to an end.  The end doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative association, because sometimes my body is just a way for me to intake food, breathe, and communicate what goes on in my mind to the outside world.  A purely functional view, but definitely one that’s somewhat unusual.

Sometimes I see my body as a project.  Tattoos, piercings, scars, and a fairly regular workout contribute to a solid toned body.  I consciously think about the kinds of changes I want to make to my body without really giving a shit what other people think.  Yeah I want tattoos – but I want them because I think they’re cool, and I’ll get what I want where I want it (when I can afford it).  I pierce either for aesthetic or functional reasons, or sometimes both.  Admittedly I haven’t done a lot of piercing, but once I get out of the industry I’d like to get my hood done.  And as for the working out… that’s also partially aesthetic, but also a good lead into the next way I see my body.

My body as a temple, which it often is.  I treat my body well.  When I’m sick I do my best to take time, treat myself well, and heal.  I try to eat healthy and eat often enough to keep my belly full.  I work out in order to maintain myself mentally, spirtually, and physically.  I believe in resting when I need it and pampering in order to maintain emotional and physical health.

Sometimes I see my body as nothing more than a source of pleasure.  Whether it’s endorphins, serotonin, sex, drugs, pain, silky fabrics, or full body massages, sometimes it’s all about living in the luxurious moment.  Sometimes I just a pleasure whore, enjoying any additional release of chemicals that my body will give me, naturally or unnaturally.

The body as a tool.  As a woman with good looks, a woman who has stripped and sold sex, I know what my body can accomplish, how much it’s worth to others, and what it is about me that appeals to others physically.  I know how to hold myself so that I look hot, so my hips stick to the side and my tits jut out front.  I know how to smile, how to look at someone in just the right cutesy way, and how to position myself so that I look the most open and inviting.  I know which outfits to wear for which occasion and how to do my makeup so that I can either get attention or deflect it.  Sometimes I analyze myself in a way that’s intensely critical, but not in a ripping myself down kind of way, more in a "okay, how does this really look" kind of way.

I don’t really know how to end this entry, because it was really more a series of meandering thoughts than anything else… so… the end.