Progress And Lack Thereof

Things I Need To Do But Haven’t

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Progress as of today’s date:

1. Quit smoking weed.

I haven’t bought weed since early September, but I still smoke up with my friends who do – and plenty of my friends smoke weed. It’s like coffee in Vancouver (incidentally, another vice that’s found on every corner in this city).

2. Quit using hard drugs.

I had quit using through most of September, or at least cut back dramatically, but this past week was pretty debaucherous. Saturday night I didn’t drink any drinks I poured for myself and only did the shots that one of my lovers fed to me through the evening. I did blow through the night, and ended up feeling like absolute shit by 5am, exhausted but unable to sleep. I drifted uncomfortably in and out of sleep from 5am until 9:15, at which point I got up to puke, then came back to bed and took half of a “military strength” sleeping pill I’d been saving for a special occasion, and blissfully passed out until mid-afternoon (thanks for the pill – you’re reading this).

Doing drugs and drinking usually passes the point of being fun at this point – I consume out of habit, not because it makes me feel good. More often than not I end up totally useless either on the couch or in bed. I often feel uncomfortable while high now. I hope I have the strength to mostly lay off of all substances, legal and illegal, for at least a few months.

Even if I don’t manage to quit, I’m done.

3. Begin writing polished pieces.

They’re no more polished than the used to be, or at least I think so. I haven’t really been putting much more effort into my writing, but I’ve definitely been more aware myself while writing.

4. Get back to promoting events.

I’m back baby. And it feels good. But this time I’m going back into it more aware of burnout.

5. Research the places I want to travel.

Somehow I haven’t gotten around to it – but I will.

6. Research the fields I’m considering studying.

Hasn’t really happened. I can’t decide what to do with my life, but I figure I’ve got a few more months before I need to make my next academic commitment, and I don’t have to go back to school once I finish the certification I’m working on now.

7. Get an accountant.

I haven’t had a large enough chunk of cash at once to have it be worth doing this. It’s a concern to me, I try not to think about it.

8. Call back the firm I worked for in June.

They called me to ask if I wanted to work for them again. I hit “Call back” on my cell phone and it called the number they called me from and it was some freight company. I tried looking them up online and dug up the business card they gave me – same deal. I took it as a sign that the job wasn’t right for me at the time.

Huh – there’s two #8’s – not only did I not notice, no one said anything.

8. Deal with what happened to me in July.

I won’t be fully over some of this shit for a long time. But at least I’ve found my support network and I know where to reach out now. I feel safer in who’s around me and what’s going on. I’ve found my lovers and close friends to be phenomenal through everything.

9. Read everything I’ve ever written.

Okay, so maybe I haven’t read everything, but I’ve read up to as far as October 2004, which is just before I moved in with my girlfriend at the time (who, coincidentally, I have recently hooked up with again). I think I need to re-read the rest of it now, seeing as it may give me some much needed perspective.

10. Go to sleep.

Yeah, it’s 6 fucking am. Good god.

BONUS:

11. See my dad.

Done and done. Anti-climactic, but settling.

ADD-ON BONUS:

12 (13?). Get a legal job.

Even if it’s not full-time, I could really use some stability and guaranteed income in my life now. I need to find the kind of job where I get up in the morning and look forward to going to work – or at least don’t dread it. Unfortunately I’m so disillusioned with society, the workforce, and the future that it’s hard for me to find jobs that seem meaningful. I can think of a couple of things I might want to look into, but although I try to stay optimistic, I don’t really have much hope.