It’s Weird When Your Friends Get Married

Catching up over coffee (well, tea and water) with a friend I hadn’t seen in about a year and a half, we talked a bit of personal, then a lot of business, and then went back to the personal when we found we had about two minutes left before her wife would turn the corner to pick us up and give me a lift home.  The two of them were married last year, a fact that still throws me off – before she left to head back to the UK a year and a half ago (days after she met her now-wife), I remember partying with her and having hungover conversations with her where she couldn’t recall the name of the friend I’d introduced her to and she’d gone home with the night before.

"So how’s married life?"
"It’s good… It’s really good.  It’s actually not all that different from being girlfriend-girlfriend, but it’s like a new level of companionship, you know?  It’s deeper – a new level."

I feel a mix of emotions at this last bit: disdain, disbelief, envy, loneliness, and pride.  I’m surprised by these emotions coming out to play, both because they’re so conflicting and because – surprisingly – it makes me question my own values and beliefs.

Why am I feeling envy?  Do I want this for myself – would I ever?  Why loneliness?  I have amazing people around me and close to me, and I have a lot of love in my own life.

I’m relieved at my own sense of pride in not being married and not planning on it, somehow feeling that this makes me a more sophisticated, progressive and cosmopolitan person.  And where does that association come from?

Last weekend I was at my friend Karen’s place for a burlesque troupe meeting and a barbeque.  Karen’s kind of like the mature one in the troupe – she’s 32, raising her younger brother and sister, has an extremely stable accounting job, and has decided to get married to her girlfriend of one year in September.  A bunch of us were standing the kitchen, Karen included, when Karen’s girlfriend came home carrying a rose in a crystal vase, a bottle of champagne, and a little box wrapped in silver paper.  She proceeded to do the traditional down on one knee proposal, followed by the passionate smooch when Karen inevitably said yes.  I even have a picture of the proposal saved in my phone.

Having been the maid of honor at my sister’s wedding in May and talking to my friend about marriage after seeing a friend of mine be proposed to and accept made me realize that there’s more to how I feel about the idea than just blowing it off as "marriage is for chumps."  I’m not saying I’m diving in headfirst, or feel some need to "prove" how much I love someone with a contract and ceremony, or even that I wouldn’t do it for legal as opposed to passion purposes (*waves to friend in Austin, TX*)… I’m just saying I’ve got some food for thought.

I already had these thoughts in my mind when I got to work this morning, where the first thing I did was turn on my computer and check my email (I currently don’t have a working computer at home).  In my inbox was an email from a former roommate and friend of mine, as follows:

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hey yal.
 
"John" and "Jane" are planning a wedding for late November 2007.

So keep your dancing shoes handy, and get ready to rock.

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It’s weird when your friends get married.