Down

Sometimes I get down, and not in a "dance-my-ass-off-all-night" kinda way, but more in a "smoke-hash-and-wait-to-cry" kinda way.  I might be pms’ing, but my emotions are still valid.

I’m dealing with some angry and upset shit right now.

I’m really frustrated with men.  Just men in general.  I had an old guy friend hit on me over MSN, basically asking when we were going to hook up again (we’ve gotten it on a couple of times, but not in a while).  I wanted to scream at him.  I wanted to block and delete him.  I wanted to curse at him with every negative word and phrase I could think of.

He has no idea of the work I do, or where I’ve been.  He doesn’t even know I used to strip and he definitely has no idea of where I’m at right now.  But I just wanted to see him in person and scream in his face: "QUEER!  I’m fucking QUEER!  I like girls, I like pussy, I like dykes, I like my community, and I fucking HATE MEN!!!  I like cock, but only when it’s silicone – so let me rip yours off and shove it up your ass!"

But that would’ve been nowhere near appropriate.

About 2 weeks ago I got hit on at the ferry terminal – I was wearing my baggy jeans, sweatshirt, a ponytail, and no makeup.  I had a guy stare at me and then try to engage me in conversation, clearly trying to chat me up.  I blatantly told him that I’m not social and to please leave me alone.  He fucked off, but he kept staring at me.  I think that what made me so furious about this entire incident was the fact that he was intruding on my safe zone – he hit on me while i was wearing my scrubbiest, dykeiest, most unsexy clothes, and if I’m not safe when I’m in that state then when am I safe?  It made me feel vulnerable and it made me so furious that I spent the next hour on the bus staring at the back of his head and thinking about how much I wanted to go up to him and yell obscenities – but that would’ve made me look unbalanced, so I chose to avoid potential jailtime.

It’s not misogyny that’s making me so furious these days – it’s assumed male priviledge.  It’s the assumption that any woman, at any time, in any place, should appreciate being hit on.  Whether it’s by strangers or friends, in femme clothes or in sweats, in public or in the comfort of home.  It’s the anger at the fact that despite the fact that I do not fuck men without money, I’m getting the feeling lately that men seem to think I should.  I can charge money – so I will.  Simple math.

I know some of my readers are male, and though I’m furious with recent circumstances I don’t mean to man-bash all men across the board.  I have brothers and a father, and I have respect for them.  I’m just feeling… disrespected.  And oppressed by assumed male priviledge.  I’m feeling as though my boundaries are not clear, but I’m feeling as if that’s somehow not my fault.  Whether it’s society, women, men, or media to blame (or no one to blame), I’m just feeling down about it.

Throw in the fact that my roommate’s boyfriend yelled at the landscaper (again), causing my landlord to bring us a notice of our violation of the tenancy agreement and possible eviction due to his not being on the lease, and the fact that tonight a former dominatrix went a bit nuts on me for the occasional dom work I do, and it’s just been a stressful week.