Disquieting Acquaintance

I ran into my ex while I was out at a drag king show tonight – my most recent ex, the one I ended things with in May.  A local troupe was performing, and I attended in order to support, network, and promote a drag king night I’m promoting for Saturday night.  I knew my ex would be there because she’d texted me to ask if I’d be there, an automatic guarantee that she would be in attendance.

I don’t know if you folks have had this, but is there anyone in your life who you just can’t be in the same room with and feel comfortable?  Not a relative or family friend, someone you’ve known for a long time – just someone you know currently in your life who just knows exactly what to say and how to say it to rub you the wrong way… or just happens to do it naturally.  Someone who you don’t trust a word they say and they make you feel like you’re having a panic attack while you’re in conversation with them.  That’s who this ex is for me.

I’ve dealt with a variety of different people, many of them very difficult to deal with, and still managed to remain composed and hold my own among them.  I haven’t felt this honestly and vulnerably afraid of anyone as far back as I can remember.  There’s something about the way she talks to me, the things she says, and the way she says them, that makes me distrust everything she says, and feel as though she’s pushing all my buttons.

Of course, I know that this has nothing to do with her – she’s not that smart, she doesn’t really know me that well, and she’s pretty in the dark about what my reactions mean.  This has to do with my own issues and insecurities, and for some reason I really don’t feel very secure around her.  She actually makes me panic.

I think I’m afraid by how much I lost myself while I was with her.  I knew who I was and what I stood for, what my goals and priorities were, and yet I still managed to get off track.  I still let her lie to me and manipulate me so that she could get what she wanted from me.  She used me and when she was done with me she twisted me as far as she could to see when I’d snap – and when I did snap she turned it around, threw the word "abuse" on it, and spread it among her new posse of coked-out directionless friends.

I’m infuriated with myself for the following things:

• Not sticking with "Not again till 2010"
• The one sappy thing I did for her (no, don’t wanna get into it)
• Giving in to use of the word "girlfriend"
• Crying in front of her and being open about the work I do
• Thinking that the sex would get better
• Compromising my boundaries… that’s what it really all boils down to.  She really liked the word "compromise" – as I told my current lovers: "Compromise is another word for ‘change yourself for me’"  The word "compromise" is now in itself a panic attack for me.

I’m afraid, because she knows things about me that are extremely private about me, she’s unstable, she’s using various substances, and she’s not someone I trust.  I see her as a volatile person, and it freaks me out to know how much she knows.

And to think, she wanted to meet for coffee or drinks to "catch up".  I told her I wasn’t interested.