Click, click, click

The sound of pieces falling into place in my life.

In the span of about 24 hours I’ve had multiple opportunities, doors of sorts, open for me with regards to promotions in the queer community. Suddenly people are willing to pay me, other people are willing to sit down and discuss a counter-offer, and I see avenues opening that seemed limiting before. I’m still refusing to work for free, but it’s as if since I dropped everything during my meltdown in July I became in demand as a result of my absence. Suddenly, people want me on board.

I’ve hated this community for the last while. I’ve been so resentful of how badly it hurt me, and how personally I took it. I took a step back in order to figure shit out in my personal life and now that my personal life is getting back on track, so is my public life. I feel a fire come alive inside me that I thought had died, but at the same time I feel a cautious holding back on my emotions – I broke my heart last time.

At one point while I was out at the bar I stepped into the smoke room to check things out and ended up being offered a beer and having a conversation with a local burlesque performer. This was someone who has worked with me indirectly and is (or was) close to some of my friends, but has had some tension come up between herself and one of them. We were chatting about some work stuff and then she asked me if I’m still performing. I let her know that I’ve been taking a step back from performing and have been focusing on promotions. She seemed upset about this and told me that she loved my stage presence and energy, and that she’d like me to be in a bi-monthly burlesque show/club night she’s putting on. I said that I only perform if I get full creative control of my numbers, and that I’ve got an idea about a number to "Rape Me" by Nirvana. She seemed enthused. I figure if she really lets me do it, I’d put together the time to make it worth it.

A short while later I got poked fun at in the bathroom for talking on my cell phone by the queer owner of a small sex toy shop – the best sex toy shop in town, in my opinion. This is someone I see at play parties, at regular parties, while drunk and falling over, and while all business and professionalism on the job. This is someone I have muted admiration and respect for. After a moment of two of joking around they suddenly changed direction slightly and began to praise me and my work, telling me how much they admire me, both for my onstage performances and for my promotions skills. I felt overcome with emotion, but probably didn’t show even near as much as what I felt.
Then: "It lights you on fire. You can only move forward – there’s no going back."
My jaw dropped. "You get it, you totally get it. I tried to stop and I tried to go back, but you’re right, there’s no going back."

It’s as if everything conspired this weekend to steer things in a very specific direction.