Two Months

Two months ago tonight…I shattered.

I remember when Florida Chris left. I remember the panic, the fear of being alone, of having every part of me rejected, ignored, forgotten. I compare it to when this Chris left, and I almost laugh.

The first time, it was all about my insecurities, my day dreams, the mental assault of someone who changed his mind almost daily, and I realize if I’d had confidence in myself, the pain wouldn’t have lasted as long, I wouldn’t have sunk so far. But this time…I’ve never felt a pain like that before. Sharp, sudden loss. Ambiguous loss. Gone but still there, just out of reach.

It makes me realize, that for the first time in my life, I was really in love. Not infatuated, not in my head, not a completely one-sided clusterf**k. The thing people always talk about, the reason people marry and stay together, the things the movies try and show, but just can’t always get right. I’d trusted him, opened up to him, relied on him, and completely let him in. I gave myself to him, and got something amazing in return. And then, that night, it was just…ripped away. Everything I’ve spent years building up, my confidence, my security in being alone, my faith in myself, I’d shared with him. I linked it with him as everything else in my life started trembling and falling apart.

I was walking this tightrope, hovering over a canyon, but holding his hand and I could see the other side. I saw a future, an amazing life full of love, friends, family, growth, and service to the world. When he let go…I fell. Too much was with him, I was too unbalanced. And I’m still in that free fall. Watching every little thing I have fly away from me, but never hitting bottom, getting the relief of real pain or death, or even the final hope that nothing can get worse. Instead I’m stuck in this limbo, a suspension from the world around me full of panic and fear and a complete lack of any control or direction.

I can’t get back what I gave him. That me, that huge piece of my heart is his completely. I have to rebuild, but I can’t even remember where to start. I just keep picturing that future. Wanting that life. Missing everything about him, about what we had. Even that would take rebuilding.

Sadly, I’d be willing. I still love him. I think the biggest pain is that I can’t give him that. I used to make him happy, I know that. And knowing that I could be that to someone, wanting to be that, having it in me, and knowing he doesn’t want that anymore…devastating. Worse than any pain I’ve known. Worse than mom. She loved me, wanted me, didn’t want to go, accepted me. Missing her still hurts, but it’s not the same at all. It’s a fuzzier pain, mixed up so much with love, relief, hope of an afterlife; it just doesn’t hurt the same.

I wish I’d just hit the bottom already. Get some relief.