Triggers

I haven’t had a night like last night in four years. It was really nice at first. And Joe was awesome, as per usual. We met up at 5, walked around the neighborhood for about an hour and a half before I had to run to a school meeting. Then he came over again at 8:30pm to watch a movie, The Warrior. Good movie. Didn’t see most of it. We were kissing and stuff, goofing off, was awesome. Lol at one moment he told me that we should just sleep together and then be boyfriend and girlfriend. I laughed and said no way was he getting any tonight, but I was fine with the second part of that. So then we were dating! And kissing at stuff. But towards the end of the night, it just hit me. I triggered and it is Nick all over again. Is that what I want?

Joe has already said he’s falling for me. That I’m incredible, smart, sexy, beautiful, intelligent, and a smart ass. That this is something special. We met in person on Friday…it just suddenly has terrified me. That this is moving way too fast for me, that I’m not ready for this level at the beginning, that I don’t want the responsibility of him being in love with me. He’s just…too open too soon for me and it triggered me. He mentioned that he’d been in rehab over six months ago for opiates after a surgery, that he’s clean now and has been for over the 6 month mark…do I think he’s gonna be a drug addict? No. But do I think he may fall apart and need me to carry him? Yeah, now I worry he will.

I just…shut down. There was this smell in the air, a bit sweaty, like bad breath, something bitter and off, and it was like I pulled myself away from my skin and curled up in the deepest spot of me I could find. This smell has haunted me for as long as I can remember, and I’m not sure where it is from, except that I smelled it frequently in bad sexual situations. I couldn’t emotionally connect with him then, couldn’t stand being held, just wanted him to go and to bath my room in warm apple pie candle and never see him again. He read me some of his poetry, and I was just too in shock mode to even appreciate it. I mean, it’s beautiful, sappy, lyrical, important to him…but I’m suddenly in shut down mode. Reminded me of the panic attacks I’d have with Nick, the unwillingness to let him touch me. How I couldn’t even sleep with my own boyfriend. Granted, this waited til after we had been totally making out to rear it’s head. But here it is, and I am ready to run like hell.

I need to see Lynnette tomorrow. This never happened with Chris or Keith or anyone else…and I was comfortable with them, even post sex. God I don’t want to be like this! And now I could already hurt someone.

It sucks, because it’s been nice and slow and easy and now it’s all emotion heavy already. And my friends think he’s an awesome, great guy. Which he is. I am just now terrified of being around him.