April 9, 2013

Revelation

It’s not this site. It’s not that I’m done. It’s…my life. I feel…completely checked out. I sleep too much. My therapist is worried. But there is…nothing worth staying awake for. In theory there is. But not in my heart. Who knows what’s wrong with me. Perhaps it’s normalcy hitting me. I miss the days I wrote my heart on this page. Crying about boys, my mom, laughing and almost screaming with happiness, feeling a quote resonate inside me. It’s all lost in a fog again. But this time…it’s been over a month of this fog. Of this sleep. 9-10 hours a night. Nothing really worth while during the day. Even with new things coming up, planning and moving forward in life, I don’t feel it. I see Lynnette Satuday. Maybe she’ll be able to help.

This is weird I never saw this entry in my bookmarks. Can I ask are you still on the medication? My dad found that he felt very similar while on anti-depressants. This is why I have such a hard time with them, because I truly believe that they do so very little good for so many. I think there are only a select few they help and those select few have probably tried many different kinds to find theone that works for them. That aside. I find that life is a journey. Your focus for so long, before and after your mom died, has always been boys. With this pampered chef and the lady that you recommended to me to check out, you seem to finally be focusing on you. It takes a long time my friend, took me a few years to get my life on track and to realize the most important person in my life was me. I think you have a lot to stay awake for. Not just your lovely neice, or your newish job, or your family, but You. I think you are worth a lot. I’m not sure how you are feeling since you wrote this entry but I hope the fog is starting to lift. Finding meaning in life is hard. I often walk somewhere or while I’m driving I think rather deep thoughts.

I reflect on how short life is. I don’t really understand it’s purpose seeing as how little impact we actually have on the universe. Yet the only real option for us is to live. Or die. One or the other. Dying sometimes seems appealing. It’s less work, for those that are so very tired, or have been through a lot, it’s ridiculously appealing. I have a theory though. Or rather a belief. Thatwe definitely do not live just this one life. That each struggle we go through only amplifies itself in the next life if we were to say shorten this life. I’ve always felt that I’ve lived a multitude of lives. There’s no reason why a 4 year old should have been as “old” and mature as I was. I was never really a kid and didn’t relate well to other kids. I had a lot of problems in school and in high school because of it too. But they are all life teaching moments. You’ve been through a lot, your moms illness was more than unkind to watch, to have to see her go through. You’ve been put through the ringer by many boys (hence why I’d love for you to be single for a while, maybe one day meet a man instead of a boy). Your family has went through a lot of changes,

your school and work life as well is now completely different. You went from working in an incredibly unsupportive job, to one that is a lot more positive. Even though it’s a good change, it’s still hard to transition and accept that hey, this is a good place to work compared to my last job! Sort of like waiting for the next blow life has to offer. ryn: I wish I was there as well. I knowwe’d be great friends. One day we’ll make our way to each other, I have no doubt. There are a few of you that I want to meet so badly but you are like a sister, I feel like you are a part of my family. You have a special place in my heart.