Merry Christmas

I’m pretty certain I am a college graduate, despite not having my degree yet. Not sure if the paperwork gets filed this month or May, but my AMAZING advisor took car of a lot of it, and now I’m down to just .23 of a credit missing she’s pretty positive would get waved. I haven’t checked in since Commencement. I look awful in the pictures. I am the fattest I have ever been in my life, but I’m going to change that. I just bought a set of three kettlebells, and I’m going to start working out more. But I walked, and met two awesome girls. How sad is that?

I’m starting the Chalene Johnson 30-Day Challenge again on the 1st. Maybe I’ll finish it this time.

Connecticut was pretty much all sleeping and pretty scenery. I learned moving back with my dad will kill me, as I can’t stand him and his foisting off of work he doesn’t want to do onto me. He expects me to be in Elgin more often now that I’m not in school, doing chores for him. I have my own life, and he says he understands, but then suffocates me. Kristin is huge and glowing, more good humored than ever, and not as closed up and bitchy as she comes across in her texts. Her placenta is in front, so we can’t feel baby Avery much. 🙁 It was nice to see her, but a week long stay without any alone time almost killed me. Mystic Connecticut is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Travis…oh Travis. If any of you have ever written the first post I ever wrote (it’s super overdramatised, not even totally accurate, and embarassing), Travis was the guy I dated for a week in high school that was suffocating and clingy and way too into me too fast. Well, it’s almost ten years since we met, and we’ve been great friends, with ups and downs and drama and another week of dating, a few missed chances. He’s the one my mom thought I’d marry. On her bequest before she died, I told him maybe I’d go on a date with him again. He’d asked, and Mom said just try and see. He got mad at me a few weeks ago for talking about other guys and not dating him…well he hadn’t had time to see me! But anyway, I decided yes to a real date. We haven’t gone on it yet, but he kissed me last night. Hadn’t seen him in ages, but he was alone on Christmas Eve for a bit, and I invited him over to my dads. He was only there like twenty minutes cause his mom’s plans changed and she came home. Anyway, after seeing my family, I left and drove to his house for a bit. We just chilled and talked, but he kissed me (a peck) when we said goodbye. Short, sweet, nothing super important. Nice.

I feel like a whore though. I shouldn’t, as I am single. But three exs and I still flirt via text. Michael, Keith, and Chris from the hotel. I haven’t seen Michael in years, but he wants something real. The problem is how much chemistry we have, but he is three + hours away and without a car. Also, he has dropped me for another girl (we weren’t dating, but it was a bit sketchy timing) and what he thought was his son. I am proud of how he fought to take care of that girl and that baby that wasn’t his, which he found out and still loves, until she cheated on him and dumped him. He wants me to come stay with him for a bit, but I’m so busy, and we’d sleep together. I just know it, because in high school when we dated, it was so much fire. We aren’t dating, but I wonder if we would be if he lived closer or had a car. Would things change for me? Chris from the hotel is kinda flirty, not much, and I’m sure he doesn’t expect monogomy from flirting, but it hurts me to wonder how I care so much about so many people at once. Chris may visit this week on his way through town. Am I expected to not act on feelings since I have agreed to a future date with Travis? I don’t think he expects that. The problem is I want love, and I feel it with none of them, but all either have the memory or the promise of it from them. Keith I feel the least guilty about. We said our goodbyes, knowing full well we may never see each other again and might meet other people, but a big chunk of my heart is still with that kid, hoping to see him one day again.

Travis knows all this, that I cannot let go of exs, that I don’t want to say yes to an immediate relationship, that I need to move slow because I don’t know what I want. He said that as long as my answer isn’t that I’m 100% not interested in him, we should go on one date. If it goes well, maybe a second, even if I’m all sorts of confused. So I’m being open and honest, but I still feel shady. I sayishouldn’t be dating, but my dad and my siblings tell me to just be open to the possibility of one, that I’m shutting down and moping about my mom a bit too much if I let it stop me and control me. They are right mostly. That is most of it is how lonely and sad I am without mom. If I didn’t have that, I think I’d know. But I have to move forward.

I brought my mom’s piano back to my place. I will learn to play along with working out and eating better. I still hate cats and houses with cats. Travis has two cats (well his mom does) and I didn’t touch them at all or have them in the room, but my lungs are burning!!

Now something actually important. Newtown, Connecticut, the STUPID EVIL BAPTIST GROUP, and how awesome the Police, Fireman, Paramedics, etc, and Hell’s Angels are for showing up to drown out their poison at the little children’s funerals. There are good people in the world.