November 3, 2012

Joyful

I’ve realized most of my entries lately have been like lancing a pus filled wound, giving it somewhere to darin to not let it hurt me as much. Tonight I’ll be different and let you guys in on a secret…

…despite the stress and work and boys…I think I’m doing well!

I have a job. One that pays me, works with me enough to let me attend classes and occasionally do work at school. I have a family that is going through some huge changes, and still managing to stay close and in touch. My dad seems to be doing better, has lost about 60 pounds; my brother just got married, has his CNA final in a month, and moves to the city in two months; my sister is pregnant and in a new city with two good incomes; my oldest brother loves me and has a steady job with lots of benefits and an excellent social life. I have a few killer friends that while I don’t see often, still mean the world to me. I have an apartment I really like, a personal bath tub for stressful days, a puppy I’m not responsible for and yet can cuddle anytime I want. I have men taking notice of my personality, my eyes, my smile, my strength, and liking what they see. I am in my last or penultimate semester of a rough theatre program, and have a 3.7 GPA, pulled off while working excessively and dealing with family issues. If I have to take one more course, I can do it online, and it will be an entertaining course. I have an open ended future in front of me, the ability to go anywhere, do anything I want. I have a god mother who loves me like her daughter, has held my family together through all the rough times, taking on more stress than she needs to out of love for us. I had the most amazing mother a girl could wish for, a sister who heard and shared with me all the things I wished I could hear my mother say. I have a moderately healthy body, the opportunity to improve, and the scars of a warrior. I have had great love, great hope, and while closing those doors seems hard right now, that they were ever opened is a gift.

I have the world. I am so grateful. I am grateful that when things seem overwhelming, I have this place to vent to; when I am lonely, this place to visit my friends; when I am happy, this place to spread the love.

Jinn

November 5, 2012

Lots of gratitude there…

Really lovely entry. Your family does sound like they are healing. ryn: I had a friend that got mad at me over the entry before the one titled “Actions”. She thought the whole thing was somehow directed at her, and the only part that was was when I actually mentioned her about the whole babygate thread on FB (I deleted that part to make her happy). I didn’t understand why so many people cared about style. She said that I was bashing her? I’m like.. wtf is that about? To me bashing is saying derogatory things, I was not, there were no insults, there was nothing mean said, all I said was that I didn’t understand why anyone cared how a baby gate looked as long as it functioned properly. She also got upset at a few other things that she had a right to get upset about, but because I got a bit defensive and didn’t apologize immediately she said I was playing games and then she called my character into question by stating that she could see why I’ve had problems in the past with friends. I was a little blown away because the situation with Ash, Kari and later on Monique were totally different. And it was nothing that she knew anything about.

But apparently it was OK for her to hurl insults at me, but it wasn’t OK for me to get on the defensive where I never once said derogatory comments about her character. She also said I said certain things about her that I never said. She was pulling stuff out of thin air. She’s always been a bit paranoid and well I had a feeling one day something like this could happen with us. She is a really nice girl, but not good at communicating and not good at trying to work things out at all. She also likes to see the worst in people. Thanks for asking. It just kind of threw me for a loop. I feel badly for getting defensive and handling the situation wrong, I know I should have apologized, I feel badly that her feelings were hurt, I don’t feel it was right for her to in turn hurt mine. Especially when I didn’t intentionally hurt hers.