Honest Update

Sorry most of you, I’ve gotten bad and reading/responding. I am still reading, catching up in a chunk, but it’s harder to comment then. I’m trying to get better, just adjusting to this schedule.

There are a few things I really need to write about. Things aren’t actually going all that well. I’m positive, and enjoying life, but I can’t say as a whole things are in a good place.

My dad…well he’s either going to have to get a lawyer to convince our bank to short sell the mortgage, or walk away and let them foreclose it. He’s been losing $2000 a month since my mom died…It’s a bit scary. He’s not sleeping well, but keeping his chin up. I still have the apartment in Dekalb, but the commute is an hour plus, worse if I hit a freight train! I will need to find a roommate for when that lease is up, someone to move closer to my job with. So far no takers, and I’m a bit worried. Where will I go?

I’m also not really saving money. Something always comes up. I got pulled over the other day because my mom’s license is expired, and there is a warrant out for her if she’s driving. So we had to transfer the car title into my name so they stop assuming I’m here. Why giving them a death certificate didn’t get them to update their system, IDK. But that was $200.00 right there, and my student loans go into repayment by June! I don’t feel confident in my ability to support myself. It’s scary.

I also have been scared I’m forgetting my feelings for my mom. It rarely hurts me anymore. Seeing my dad cry upsets me, but just thinking of her doesn’t. I know this is "healing," but it sort of feels like forgetting. Chris said something though that really made me feel a bit better (totally shocking how deep he got lol). He didn’t meet his dad until a few years ago, but when he did, he sees that even without him being active in his life, he has a ton of his dad’s personality inside him. He says that’s how it is with me and my mom, that unless I completely change into a new human being, I’ll never forget her. Made my day.

And with all that said, I’m still feeling happy. Sleepy all the time, but happy. I wake up at 6 to work out, then shower and go to work like a real live grown up. I LOVE blogging, so so so much! It’s my favorite part. My first one posts tomorrow! I’ll post a link to it here tomorrow as a Friends Only so I don’t get stalkers. Last thing I need.

Chris might move away tomorrow. His new job means he’d crash with a friend up near Wisconsin for a while until he figures things out. So…tonight we’re getting dressed up, going out, and deciding if we keep this up or not. I find I’m okay either way.

I love that I have been working out. Pissed I’m not getting skinnier, but still. I’m getting muscles! Baby ones!