08/02/2013

I can’t even think. I…I have never felt this hopeless. The pain is unbelievable. I remember when first Chris left, and I wanted to die. But part of me had known one day he’d leave. And part of me hoped and knew he’d come back.

…he’s not coming back. I tried to fight for him, for us, but he doesn’t want it. I wish I could explain everything that happened, write it all out for everyone to read. For the first time, I don’t think I can. I’ve been texting friends a lot, trying to find something to hold onto, and even thinking about this is breaking me apart again. I cried for 20 hours, all through the night and all day at work. I’ve only cried twice so far this morning. Been up almost two hours. Couldn’t eat a thing until I collapsed at my house last night. Then I didn’t through up a few spoonfuls of rice. Part of the dinner I made him. Finally slept. Well…passed out. My mind didn’t stop, I had horrible dreams, and it wasn’t even close to falling asleep.

We aren’t going to talk for a little bit. We texted yesterday. It was so hard, but I got to argue and say how I felt and explain to him why I couldn’t see him for a while, if ever. He is…a good guy. Which sucks so much, because it just makes me miss him so much more than if I was angry. Everybody loved him, my family, my friends, his friends, me…just…he doesn’t feel the same. I’m such an idiot. This happened exactly like Colleen said it would. We’ll talk next week when maybe I won’t be so in shock, and see if it’s something I’m interested in down the road. I can’t imagine never seeing him again. It breaks my heart all over again. But…I think it’ll break worse to see him.

I feel lost. I’ve lost everything I had to hold onto. I can’t even get my friends to come see me. Except his best friend. Brian would, but…god I can’t look at him either. I was so happy. So stable. Everything was going right.

I don’t even know what to do with myself. Still can’t really eat. What do I do? I feel like I’m drowning.