Scintilla 2:Driving in England. For the first time

Scintilla 2013: Day 2

Tell the story about something interesting (anything!) that happened to you, but tell it in the form of an instruction manual (Step 1, Step 2, Step 3….)

Driving in England. For the first time. Oblivious to all warnings that this might not be such a fantastic idea.

Step 1. The night before you are due to drive from London to Sawley Marina, just outside Nottingham, make sure that you stay out really really late in London. Because it’s your last night in London!! You certainly do not want to be well-rested for your First Time Ever Driving On The Opposite Side of the Car, Lanes, and Highway.

Step 2. Be certain that your tube trip from Stratford to Heathrow is quite long. And that you start out at a time not generally considered remotely possible for humans.  At least not night-owl humans. Like you.

Step 3. Your traveling companion must be lugging along a suitcase that is half as tall and considerably wider than you. Even though she has already abandoned twenty pounds of clothing, it should still be overweight. Your travelling companion will have learned how NOT to pack for an overseas trip the day you left the States and she found her massive suitcase was 20 pounds over the limit, but she gets to keep reliving this lesson since she has to keep lugging the massive suitcase and an uncooperative carry-on around with her for two weeks.

Step 4. When you are changing trains and you get to the very veeeeery veeeeeeeeeeerrrrry long escalator at Piccadilly Station, be sure that you go down the escalator first and leave your travelling companion and her unwieldy uncooperative luggage at the top. Which seems like a good idea – she can get Massive Suitcase situated before starting down! – until you are halfway down and she loses her grip on Massive Suitcase.

Step 5. Do not try to stop Massive Suitcase as it comes tumbling end over end towards you. And do not laugh. Before it hits you. Be grateful it just grazed your leg as it catapulted by you on its way to the bottom. Also be grateful you are the only ones going down the escalator at that hour of the morning, so no one was killed.

Step 6. Try to appreciate bringing a little touch of fun into the bleak ungodly early morning on the tube for all the Londoners who are riding up the escalator on the other side, and are now doubled over in hysterics.

Step 7. Take the most awkward twisty and incomprehensible route possible from the Tube exit at Heathrow to the Hertz Car Rental lot at Heathrow. Be sure you ask directions from at least 32,815 people!

Step 8. Arrive fashionably late at Hertz. Get bumped up from the Mini you reserved because you’ve always wanted to drive a Mini, to an Ibiza. Seriously, take the Ibiza. It’s the size of a Honda Fit so it’s still little, and you are going to need that extra room for Massive Suitcase. Really, you are.

Step 9. Drive the Ibiza around the parking lot. Numerous times. Kill the engine approximately every ten seconds. Keep optimistically thinking you’ll get the hang of it.

Step 10. Start out of the parking lot gate and kill the engine for the gazillionth time as you are giving your paperwork to the gate keeper. Decide you really better go back and get an automatic instead of a manual.

Step 11. Realize you’ve got the hang of shifting before you find anywhere on the access road to turn around. It’s a diesel –  it just shifts earlier! Or later. Or something. You’re fine! Keep motoring on till you get to the M4!

Step 12. You’re on the opposite side of the car!!! Your stickshift is on the left!!!! Your passenger is on the left!!!! People are honking at you to get the hell out of the way because you are poking along on the right lane of the M4 instead of the left, which is the designated Pokey Lane in Britain!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!!

Step 13. Do not freak out when your travelling companion tells you VERY nicely – a lot more nicely that YOU would be telling you — that you are REALLY GETTING CLOSE TO THESE CARS ON THE LEFT, AND ESPECIALLY THESE HUGE TRUCKS!!!! Or lorries!!!!

Step 14. Calm down. Deep breaths!!! Get used to everything being on the other side. Drive a reasonable speed. You’re on the M4 and then you are on the M1!!!!!!! WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! This is fun!!!!

<span style=”font-size:10.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family:
“Arial”,”sans-serif”;mso-bidi-font-style:italic”>Step 15. Get off at a Roadside Services exit for coffee and lovely clean bathrooms. Drink the coffee at Costas, not in the car. Discuss what great time you’re making and how you’ll be at the marina and checking in to your Canal Boat (YES, CANAL BOAT) right on time. Manage getting off the M1 and back on the M1 with astonishing lack of incident.

Step 16. Keep going till you get to the A50. Be sure you’re getting pretty tired by the time you get off the exit to the A50. When you encounter your first real live roundabout, you want to be fuzzy-headed and easily confused. You’ll need to keep trying to go right instead of left, and freak your traveling companion out! Also make sure that the roads going off the roundabout do not match in any way the road names your GPS with the cute British accent is telling you to take.

Step 17. Take the very last road off the roundabout because it’s the only one left. Keep going down that road until you come to another roundabout, and take the last road off THAT roundabout because, again, none of the road names match what the GPS is telling you! Realize you will never ever get turned around and back to the A50. And you have no idea which way you need to be going at this point.

Step 18. Go through numerous roundabouts. Get further and further away from where you need to be going! End up in a teeny adorable little town with insanely narrow streets! Be completely unable to find ANYWHERE TO TURN AROUND. Have numerous near-collisions in your cute rental car!!! Resist the urge to throw the damned GPS out the window because he WILL NOT STOP SAYING “RECALCULATING RECALCULATING” even though you keep doing exactly what he says!!!!

Step 19. Pull off the road to take deep breaths. Now is the time for you and your travelling companion to try very hard NOT to burst into tears.

Step 20. Have your travelling companion call the marina because it’s obvious you are now going to be extremely late. Receive roundabout commiseration and semi-comprehensible directions from reception desk girl.

Step 21. Realize you are actually not that far away from marina. Yippie!!!!

Step 22— 30 Arrive at marina gates and try to figure out how to actually get inside marina. Then spend an hour getting checked in. And then spend another hour listening to a sweet little old man demonstrate all the ways you can destroy your canal boat, using a toy canal boat and a toy canal lock as props. Realize that you are not processing a word of it. And you need a pub. NOW.

Step 31. Have sweet little old man give you directions to the closest pub that is not the Marina “pub”. Walk to the pub. Drink several pints and start seriously enjoying Sawley. Be very very happy and congratulate each other on your bravery!

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