Dear………

Students. Who think you are graduating in May. But have received an email outlining a whole bunch of graduation shortages and now feel it necessary to call my office in a complete and total panicky/melty/breakdown. 

 You know what’s NOT going to help? Shouting at me! Telling me that you can not believe how incompetent our office is because we show you short a specific class for your minor! When you took a whole other class and somebody somewhere said that was okay!!!!!

You know what else is not going to help? Continuing to rant and rave at me as I attempt, with admirable restraint, to let you know that if "somebody somewhere" said that class was okay, just get "somebody somewhere" to shoot me an email telling ME it’s okay, because tragic as it is, I do not as yet have that Amazing Superpower which enables me to peer into the brains of all the somebody somewheres who populate this university and determine what they each said to who. 

 Do you know what else is not going to help? Your reaction when I finally get a word in sideways and tell you to PLEASE calm the fuck down because this REALLY is NOT a big deal at ALL if an advisor in that department told you this other class will be okay to take. And all your dumb melodramatic overreacting ass has  you have to do is just get them to send me a memo. It will be okay!!  Your reaction when I have told you all this in my nice soothing "calming-down-the-crazy-fucker" voice.  Not going to help to continue to rant and rave about our incompetent office who DID NOT LIST THIS REQUIRED CLASS ON THE GRADUATION AUDIT!!!!! 

Because, duuude, know what I’ve got right in front of me? Your graduation audit. Which lists that course you did not take and does not list that course you did take, as plain as the froth on your ranting face. 

Seriously. You will BE OKAY. Well, you’ll be okay as long as that "somebody somewhere" is in fact in the department where your minor is housed. And is not, oh, your roommate. Judging by this hysterical fit, though, I’m starting to think…. maybe you did not obtain this permission from someone who actually has the power to grant you a substitution. In which case you are an idiot and you took a random course without getting it approved and you are not going to graduate! Yippie!!! 

Dear Professors. Who send weird random memos of approval. Weirdly and randomly.

You’re subbing an Intro to Film class, which is a General Education Humanities course, for a third-year major printing course?? And you’re subbing whatever random transfer courses the student has that aren’t fitting in elsewhere- like Intro to Philosophy — as Tech Electives???? 

And for this other guy, you are pretty much subbing every single course on his checksheet for some other course he’s had that is not specifically on his checksheet??

Seriously???? 

 Could that not possibly be seen as, oh, compromising the integrity of our programs? Just a tad?

 Lucky for you I do not have the power to question these things, as it is all at the discretion of the department. 

 Also, please look to see what the student has actually taken before sending me a memo full of classes they have not ever taken at all. 

Dear Registrar’s Office Graduation Unit, 

 OMG. Where do I even begin?????

Maybe with the weekly graduation update lists, in which students who have applied for graduation appear and disappear and appear again as if you are performing bizarre and not-at-all-amusing magic tricks! 

Or, how about the way that students who have two majors suddenly and without any warning at all can now graduate in separate semesters with their separate majors? When that’s something that has never been allowed in all the time any of us in MY office have been here. Pretty much making that something that has NEVER BEEN ALLOWED. 

And we all especially love how these students are showing up on ALL the lists for ALL the semesters they have applied for ALL their majors and there is no way to determine which major is for which semester and it is even more insane and complicated than this but would be much too convoluted and incomprehensible to explain here, but trust me, this is now Officially A Nightmare. 

When you make massive changes, Graduation Unit, it would be very very VERY VERY helpful to inform everyone who is massively affected by these massive changes ahead of time. So they do not find themselves suddenly drowning in a Brew of Swirling Madness with no warning. 

PS. There is a reason everyone in that office is quitting. Seriously. There is. 

PSS. I am SO SO SO GLAD I did not get that job over there 2 years ago. I’d be right in the middle of this and I’d be quitting too. Or having a nervous breakdown. Which is what everyone who ISN’T quitting is doing.