Funnies…

Hey All,

I came across a whole mess of funnies, and I had to share… so here goes…

(Warning! Some of these are "groaners" but… I still find them funny!)

What did the Mommy dog say to her children?
Hush Puppies!

Why was the cookie sad?
It was feeling crummy.

What are a cook’s favourite days of the week?
"Fry day" and "Sundae"

What do you call a Telly Tubby that’s just been burgled?
A Tubby.

Why did the jelly baby want to go to school?
Because he wanted to be a Smartie!

What’s long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn’t afford plane fare.

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convincing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blond bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blond? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blond. I speak blond.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

Cindy McCain was in her front yard watering her roses when John McCain came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As Cindy was getting ready to prune the roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her husband’s actions Cindy asked him, “Is something wrong honey?”

To which he replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

Life of cows and bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurrican

e comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What’s the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn’t it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down."

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."

Before Computers…

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider’s home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..

… you just hoped nobody ever found out!!

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it’s certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.
But, the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God’s name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims,
"Forest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one’s harder," says Forest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second… "

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
I’ll give you credit for that one too."

"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter,
"Can you tell me God’s name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s name.
Everbody probly know it. It’s Andy Howard."

"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it’s ‘Andy Howard’?"

Forest answers, "It’s in the song and the prayer."

"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"

"Andy’s song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me… ",
and The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…"

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.

Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,

"I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…"

A piece of string walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

BARMAN: Are you a piece of string?
PIECE OF STRING: Yes.
BARMAN: Get out, we don’t serve pieces of string.

The next day the piece of string goes into the pub wearing a pair of dark glasses and orders a pint of beer.

BARMAN: Are you a piece of string?
PIECE OF STRING: Eer no
BARMAN: Take of your glasses.

The piece of string takes of his glasses and the barman kicks him out.

The next day the piece of string fuzzles up the top of his head and rolls himself up into a ball. He bounces into the bar and orders a pint of beer.

BARMAN: Are you a piece of string?
PIECE OF STRING: No I’m a frayed knot!!

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane…"

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot – "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the

business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…..it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"We’ll back away from the gate as soon as the flight attendants clear out of the aisle – they’re blocking my view through the rear view mirror!"

Then after we had a pretty smooth landing:
"I’d like to thank the First Officer for landing us with all the gracefulness of dropping a bag of nails from 6,000 feet!"

There is a very long queue at the Pearly Gates and St Peter isn’t letting anyone through. No-one knows why, or what’s going on, and the queue is getting decidedly bad tempered and impatient. There’s a great deal of muttering and moaning.

Suddenly, from the back of the queue, a man dressed in a white coat and with a stethoscope slung around his neck marches right up to the front, barges past everyone including St Peter and goes straight through and into Heaven. The people who have been waiting are immediately in uproar and likely to turn nasty. St peter’s pleads for calm: "Please, please, settle down, take no notice of him, that was God, he thinks he’s a doctor…"

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can’t swim!"

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

You have reached 934-2435. We pick

ed this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…

Darn! There goes another one!"

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have…Why d’ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale…’tis too good to part with."

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin."

"It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed.

"If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!

One night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently
reminds him, "Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I’d like some strawberries on top! You’d better write it down ’cause I know you’ll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I’d also like whipped cream. Now I’m certain you’ll forget that,so you’d better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don’t need to write it down. I can remember that. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,"
he grumbles on his way into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says,"Where’s my toast?"

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget.

The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. "Small medium at large."

A guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you’re dead!"

"What’s that mean?"

"That is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. In that case, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?"

"That’s French toast."

Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It’s about time. At last — a home cooked meal!"

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling’ victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity…
one of the girls must be quite ill."

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

While walking in the woods Douglas saw a young fairy who had fallen into the river and bravely dived in to rescue her.

In gratitude the fairy granted Douglas three wishes. He wished for a huge pile of gold, and ‘poof’ there it was.

Then he wished for a huge palace, again ‘poof’ and there it was.

Finally he wished he could be irresistible to all women

There was a blinding flash, a mighty roar and … poof – he turned into a box of chocolates.

After much urging by his wife, Bubba applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.

An hour later, Bubba returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The hardest part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"

ubba decided to visit Colorado to do something he could never do back home … snow skiing.

Unfortunately for Bubba, before he was even able to make it up the hill, he was knocked unconscious by the chairlift.

As soon as he could, he called his insurance company from the hospital only to be told that they were refusing to cover his injury.

"What do you mean?!?" Bubba screamed. "Why wouldn’t you cover an injury like this?"

"You got hit in the head with a chairlift," the insurance rep. explained. "That makes you a moron … and we consider that to be a pre-existing condition."

There’s more… To be continued!