you love me but you dont know who i am

i’m so fucking tired of getting only 4 hrs of sleep before I wake up. So yeah, now at least I’m getting more sleep than I had been. But it’s not making me feel rested. Just agitated.

Anyways. I decided to privatize this diary. And there was no way to leave a note or entry or whatever so people could know that I privatized it from everyone, not just them. I hope no one gets pissed off at me. Such is life. Besides which it’s pointless to let everyone read the same rant/whine/immaturity over and over and over and over again. I’m fucking tired of it enough as it is, no reason to subject anyone else to my constant downward spiral any longer than I already have.

My head still hurts.

I can’t remember the last time I ate real food. I think all I’ve eaten in the past week is bread- sometimes toast with butter and jelly, frozen waffles- sometimes with syrup, HOHOs, the crust of L’s pizza when I babysat (I tried to eat a piece of pizza, but I took a few bites and immediately felt like I was just going to throw it back up), saltines, graham crackers, half a snack bag of cheese nips, 1 reese’s peanut butter cup (couldn’t eat the other, same deal as the pizza). Oh and I think I had a bag of fritos and a bag of cheetos at some point. and i just threw away half an oatmeal creme pie cuz it was one of the big ones and i couldn’t finish it.

i’m not hungry anymore. and when my stomach does feel hungry, it’s either not a convenient time for me to eat, or i just ignore it and it goes away.

i didn’t really realize today as i was wandering around wally world after work that i had stopped eating real food. cuz i was thinking of what i wanted to buy and…could come up with nothing. nothing looked good, and i was trying to think what i had eaten this week that was good and discovered that i hadn’t.

m’s 4th of july part is today, at 3. i really know i should go just so she doesn’t get mad or worried about me. just the thought of facing a group of people. *sigh* Smiling my best “of COURSE i’m happy!!!” smile. i’m so tired right now. it’s only 230. maybe i’ll just sleep and go over later. maybe it’ll rain and give me an excuse for not showing up. more likely, she’ll be so busy with everyone that she won’t really notice that i didn’t show up, until later after it’s all over.

it just makes me sad…it’s hard to go over there and not even barely see her anyways. cuz i just sit on the stoop and watch everything going on, cuz i don’t really know any of the theatre kids anymore. i prolly wouldn’t even know most of the parents of DB and RB’s friends anymore. I don’t even know who their friends are now. i’ll just feel out of place, in between, outside.

regardless, i need to go back to bed right now.