Yay Grey!

This weeks episode was WAY better than the premier, IMHO. Way, way, WAY better.

I am exhausted with a capital E. M’s in nola with her mom and last nite I took the kids to the fair for like, 4 hours. I had fun and it was awesome to hang out with RB (DB went off with her friends), but getting up for work this morning was rough and I ended up being late. Blergh.

Then today DB and I walked around the fair for an hour or so while RB was at boy scouts, and that was also fun. She’s an amazing kid, you can tell just by talking to her.

I just got them both to bed, and am waiting for E to come home so I can go home and crash for a few hours. Then, up early tomorrow to help at the FH. Then to pick up my Little for a few hours at the fair, then back to the FH. Then watching the kids again tomorrow nite. Then marching in the parade on Saturday, then working at the FH.

Ugh. Speaking of my Little.

I really hate to say this but….when you sign up for BBBS, it’s a one-year commitment. Well. My year is up and I kinda want out. I wish I could blame it on the crappy BBBS system in the area- there’s a new director, and the position is only 15 hours a week, so it’s ages before I can ever get in touch with anyone, and I never get the mailings and etc, etc. But. Mostly it’s just…my Little is…I dunno. Yes, she has issues. But. Trying to have a conversation with her is very difficult. Either she answers “I forget” to every question, or she lies (like, little white lies, that I think she mostly maybe doesn’t even realize she’s telling, maybe cuz she thinks I’ll like her better if __________) We’ve been in the match for a year- much of that time hanging out once a week for a few hours each time- and *she* doesn’t even seem like she’s enjoying herself. I try to think of fun things to do- we’ve gone to the river, I’ve taken her to plays and movies, the playground, for ice cream, the library. And every time we hang out, I ask her what she wants to do. “I don’t know.”

Which. Reminds me of my therapy sessions. :op But. I’m not her therapist. She apparently has abuse issues in her background, which I knew when I agreed to be her Big. And I’d be fine talking about them. But hell, I’d also be fine talking about ANYthing. Or. Just. Feeling like there was some kind of connection. Even with Growlie, who has huge attachment issues, he at least….shows emotion. (lol. Yeah, so 99% of it is negative and mis-aimed, but still!) My Little tho just….doesn’t? But. How do I get out of such a relationship? I don’t feel like I’m of any benefit to her. And I’m not enjoying it at all. And I feel like a horrible bad person for saying I don’t want to/don’t enjoy hanging out with a 6 yr old. But. It’s true. 🙁 It just seems like a hassle. And maybe part of that is cuz it’s a hassle to get a hold of the BBBS people, and a hassle to get ahold of my Little’s mom (they don’t have a phone- the boyfriend has a cell phone, but I hate calling cuz I never know if he’s at work or whatever…) and they don’t have a car, so I have to drive 20 minutes to pick her up and drop her off. And I know her home life isn’t great. I’m sure her mom tries hard, but. Just from some of the conversations I’ve witnessed and yelling I’ve witnessed….eh.

And all of those are the reasons the kid is IN the BBBS program to begin with, I’m sure.

But. Maybe she’d just be better with a different Big. Even tho I’m the second one she’s had. :/ I don’t want to add to her Issues! UGH.

I dunno, I dunno.