y

Someone left me a note asking why I unprivated/unfavourited my od. It wasn’t a particularly nice note. I deleted it, which is unusual for me. If it had been signed, i prolly wouldn’t have.

but i suppose i’ll respond to it anyways, in a way. cuz it’s a quarter til 2 and sleep isn’t happening, as per usual.

So. j emailed me after our walk. One of the things she said was:

Sometimes just doing something is better than not. Deciding to go for a daily walk even though you don’t feel like it. Talking to your friends on-line. etc. Sometimes it’s like wrapping string around a ball, that it just builds momentum with each small (and continuing) step. I don’t care what you do, just make some step in the right direction. And then another.

She was actually responding to an email I had sent her, saying:

In part I’m annoyed at myself for starting up this, or any, dialogue with you again. Cuz I said i wouldn’t, unless i was able and willing to work. And I still don’t know if i am. I still don’t know if I want to be. (heh. And you can inflect that last sentence any way you want, all meanings are true.)

But a crack got in the wall. (how’s that line go….”and its like a crack you don’t notice, til it takes down the whole damn wall…” That’s how I am, I think. I can’t just have a crack and seal it up. I don’t work like that I guess.) My crack was Em. we were chatting and she asked me to come visit her, and I said
i’m like “omg, i so want to see emily!” “yes, but you also want to be dead. you can’t be excited about something and suicidal at the same time”

And it’s frustrating. I don’t want to care. But. I do.
[hah. insert about 30 minutes of me staring at the screen here. cuz that’s what i just did.]

-i can’t afford ip
-anything they do i should be able to do on my own
-i don’t want to go and end up just getting up because they expect me to.
+i don’t know what else to do
+what if it helps
-what if it doesn’t
+at least people won’t have to worry about me, for a few days at least
-if i go to [the place i went last time], i’m confined inside without access to music or wind or rain. not that i go outside currently but i have the *choice*. and. last time? the being-without-music thing? it was almost unbearable. i mean. it’s one of my coping mechanisms. it doesn’t always work. but it’s a really frikkin HUGE one. and to not have that was….difficult. more than difficult. I know i often say that music is as important to me as air but…well. on some levels, it really IS.
-i was totally unimpressed and not at all helped by the doctor i had. or the therapist. the therapist i talked to on the last day did more for me in my hour with her than the lady who i’d been talking to the whole however many days previous. they take a ‘symptom based’ approach. they wanted me to stop cutting. cutting’s not the issue.
-i don’t KNOW what the issue is??

time to stop this list cuz it’s just kind of getting me worked up. and i need to sleep. meeting with L and my new TSS kid tomorrow.

So. So three or four hours ago, I was ok. And now. Not so much. Now, if anyone was around who asked, I’d tell them I need to go ip. But by morning, I’ll not need to.

I guess maybe now would be a good time to take an ativan. heh.

fuck.

never met with l or my new kid today (yesterday? when was friday?) They canceled. So now it’s for monday. and then i’m visiting em. and then i have a back to school training. so my “window of opportunity” for ip is closed.

it’s fucking insane to SCHEDULE that sort of thing anyways.

i was hoping that writing would help me. but it’s not. and cutting…*shrugs* maybe if i didn’t have such fat thighs :p it’s not the same kind of pain. or. it is. but to get it requires more depth. and i may be desperate and i may be crazy, but i’m not stupid and i’m not interested in playing -those- kind of games. last thing i need is to end up needing stitches and having to explain things.

but whatev.