unsurpassed dosing flexibility.

I got a package in the mail today from Razor & Tie records. A bunch of posters and sample cd’s and bookmarks of Dar Williams. heh. Fun.

Madagascar came out yesterday. And I so wanted to buy it for AJ. I KNEW I should’ve pre-ordered it when I had the money to do so. Tho she bought it already anyways, so.

Work called and I agreed to work half of a shift tonite. From 11pm-3am. And then I have Allies panels to go to tomorrow at 9 and 10am. Then I should do laundry. And then I work tomorrow nite. Saturday they were s’posed to have some sort of conference meeting thing, but it’s been cancelled and yet I *still* can’t go to AJ’s because my fucking car is a POS. Of course, it is going on 113000 miles, so. I should just be thankful it’s gone this far. Even if I HAVE put in at LEAST 2/3 of the money I paid for it back IN to it for various repairs and things.

Went to the dr today. No bronchitis. She thinks my throat is just irritated still from when I *was* sick and coughing alot. And there’s post nasal drippage going on, apparently. So she gave me nose spray. I hate nose spray. Put things in my eyes, in my mouth, in my frigging ears. But don’t put things in my nose. YUCK. And she lectured me about not taking a multivitamin still.

I have to go to this Allies potluck. First I have to go to the library and take down the table and put all of the stuff in my car. THEN go to the potluck that I don’t want to go to. Cuz if I have to sit there with Doc E and Donnie all by myself, I’m gonna be fucking PISSED. Ok. I ASKED like 900 times, is this date ok, is this date ok. Yes everyone nodded like sheep, yes. Yet Jay can’t attend, Ken prolly won’t, Buss probably won’t, and there was already a thanksgiving thing for the psych dept today so I’m doubting even doc p will show up, tho he is pretty great about being a supportive advisor most of the time. At least he hasn’t abandoned us to doc e. I am SO glad that nominations are the next meeting, cuz I don’t want to do this anymore. I loved it, when people actually cared. It didn’t feel like an obligation so much. It was fun. But no one cares now. Everything is a hassle to everyone. And the people to whom it’s NOT a hassle….don’t ever show up. Which is why it’s not a hassle. Whatever.

My house is such a mess. I guess I’ll clean tonite, after allies. Then at least I can come home to a clean apt at 3am. heh. I just want to sleep. But I have a quiz on Monday. And a paper due, that requires 3 hours of tv watching. And laundry and cleaning and dishes and once AGAIN I forgot to make an appt for my car. I’m just never home or in an area with decent reception when business hours are taking place. I was talking to doc p about it the other day, asking him if he had any recommendation for car people who actually fix oil leaks, since the last two places I took it don’t seem to be capable of such things…which. Makes sense. One is primarily a tire place, the other is primarily a brake/muffler place. So. *shrugs* And he gave me some names. And said, ya know, it could be something as simple as a new [somethingorother] which is easy to fix. Or. Some simple [somethingorother] that was easy to fix but very hard to get to. Or [somethingorother] that could cost up to $300. Right. Right.

Right.

We did exercises with elastic bands in Relaxation Skills today. And, ya know, we’re going along on the right side and I’m fine. And then we switch to the right side. And I remembered, about 30 seconds too late, that I probably shouldn’t be putting so much tension on my already-sore shoulder.

Then I felt like an ass cuz we were doing a partner-exercise and I just kinda stood there and she was about to match me up with someone, cuz I was just standing there, and I was like…uhm….I can’t…. *sigh* Not that I think the instructor actually minds, at all. But I still felt stupid just standing there. Especially when she had everyone turn around so we could see ourselves in the mirror. (we have class in the dance studio. So one wall is all mirrors. It’s. Great. Really….

I got my pay check from the psych center today. Or at least, the stub. Now. Decisions, decisions. Do I pay the credit card minimums, or do I pay the car insurance? Or perhaps I should pay the phone, gas and electric bills. It’s prolly better to pay the credit card. But also the car insurance, since my sister co-signed on it. I’ll have to check my account and see if I can pay both of them. I might be able to. Since I actually get paid on Wednesday from working for Dr F. So I could get that deposited before the other stuff got taken out, maybe.

How badly do I want to run away from all of this? How close am I to doing just that….how far gone would I already be, if I didn’t know that it would only put me more in debt and farther behind in everything else…

And I wonder how people do this. How do they do it? Keep going and going and going. How…..and I was asking G this the other day….not how, but what. What must it be like, to get over issues or problems or tragedies, and get to a point where you can actually talk about them without becoming totally overwhelmed or totally numb to what you’re saying? Ya know? I just can’t fathom living thru some of the things that people I know have lived thru and probably grown from…

G didn’t have the answer. I didn’t figure she would. We still do share the brain.

Maybe that’s why I always feel so disconnected. It’s hard to share something when you’re so far away. And not just from G. And, I guess that makes sense, even in a non-metaphorical way. I feel disconnected because I am disconnected, from almost everyone who is really a part of me. Everyone who shares or at one time “shared the brain”

As we grow, we’re supposed to develop which I guess means….growing your own brain, so to speak. But sometimes it’s like a phantom limb…it was there for so long and then it’s gone. Yet. There’s still pain. Real or imagined, there’s still pain. And “imagined” is a misnomer, because imagining it, in the case of some pain, means it IS real to whomever is experiencing it. I suppose I should say pain caused by physiological sources directly, or pain that doesn’t actually involve the nerve endings that are connected to where the pain seems to be coming from. If that makes sense.

I should leave now, to take down the table.

I did see M and the kids after my class today and we went to the mall and such. So that was nice.