Trust

So. A curious thing, trust. I have these friends, I shall call them Grace and uhm…Lee. I met them a few years ago (probably have written about them, but can’t be bothered to check right now!) and I consider them 2 of my best friends. I trust them both. With Grace, that’s not much of a biggie. I mean, part of me is surprised that I’m letting myself become attached and trusting again, after getting soooooo burned the last few times. But I’m more careful this time- the relationship is MUCH more equal and balanced. Which is weird for me, and a bit of a first I realize. But. Anyways. Grace is awesome and amazing in a million different ways. She’s a musician and an artist and a wicked good cook, and just quirky and neat. It’s not altogether surprising I enjoy her company and have let my guard down enough to trust her pretty whole heartedly.

Lee is her husband. He is also quirky and strange. He can come off pretty ass-holish, or flat or…I dunno. But he’s honest and he tells it like it is, which I appreciate. I spend a lot of time with these two. Went on vacation with them for almost 2 weeks. Have slept on their couch more times than I can remember. So it’s not *that* surprising that I’ve found myself trusting Lee as much as I do. I mean, I’m no good with boys. Well, not with straight boys anyways, lol! Lee and Grace are my age- he’s only 2 or 3 years older. And he’s really the first straight guy I’ve found myself feeling safe around. Or rather…I don’t even think about feeling safe or unsafe- I just feel normal and content and whatever. Which I’m sure is just in part due to my brainspace and such. I’m more comfortable, I’ve notice, around guys when I’m at work, too.

But anyways. Long story short. A few weeks ago, after we converted their garage into a bit of a gym, I started grappling/sparring/wrestling with Lee & Grace. It’s UFC/MMA inspired. And we laugh a lot and we practice different positions and such. And anyone who’s ever watched UFC…well, it’s many a gay boi’s dream, I’m pretty sure. Two sweaty guys basically grinding on each other and hugging each other in three minute increments, lol.

So, the other day Lee and I were practicing with each other- he was teaching me various guards and such. And during it I spent the first little while focusing on staying focused on what he was teaching me rather than the fact that our bodies were most definitely touching more than my body has touched almost anyone, let alone a guy my own age.

Then I *was* just focused on what he was teaching.
But of course later, I really began to think about the situation. How strange it felt to have this huge person sitting on top of me, with his hands gripping my arms or on my chest (I was wearing all kinds of padding, of course) or grabbing my ankles. Or the parts where my legs were wrapped around his head or I was laying over his chest or trapped between his legs.

It all could have been very sexual, of course. Except for the fact that I’m not the least bit attractive and the fact that I’m not the least bit attracted to him. Ironically, it’s probably going to be a lot more awkward when Grace and I practice, as she is quite attractive, albeit married with children and also even if she weren’t, she’s about a million miles out of my league. I am perfectly content being her friend, and have no desire whatsoever to be anything more than that, of course. (I did have a pretty strong crush on her for a while, but I’m over that for the most part, hehe)

But. It’s just neat…nice…that here was this huge guy (he’s not that huge, actually. Not huge at all. But when he was sitting on top of me or when his legs were wrapped around my back and I was trying to stand up, he seemed huge!) laying on top of me or under me, touching me and grabbing me…and I was– am– ok with it. No after-the-fact-freak outs. No need for any anti-anxiety pills. My biggest worry was “oh shit, maybe I shoulda shaved my legs!” cuz at one point he grabbed my ankles and my pants slid up a bit. *grin* But he already knows I rarely shave my legs, so it wasn’t even a real worry. Just an after-thought.
And part of me wants to ask him if it was awkward for him, but then I worry that it may NOT have been awkward, but if i ask if it was, then *next* time it WILL be awkward. So I dunno. I might just ask Grace. Cuz then she can talk to him about it if she wants or feels the need to. Or, I might just muse about it to myself til after we wrestle again.
On an unrelated, or related note- I am in a bit of a “argh, I wish I had a girlfriend” phase. *sigh* As nice as friends are, I still get lonely for a Significant Other sometimes.

Oh well.