touch me fall

lah. lahfrikkinlah. I’m tired. And…tired. Tired. Wanting to cry. Wanting to know if I can handle this. Wanting to know if this will work. Wanting to just KNOW. I’m willing to hang on, even if in the end it won’t work. I don’t necessarily..it’s not *what* the ending will be that is bothering me. It’s the not knowing.

This semester. If I miss her this much and I just saw her this morning…how the hell do I get thru 2 or 3 or 4 weeks without seeing her??

J asked if we thought of moving to a city that’s about halfway, I guess, btwn. And. The idea had only fleetingly come across my mind, but I shoved it off. Til she mentioned it. Then I mentioned it to AJ. She said she’d thought about it. That it was something we could consider. But perhaps wasn’t the best idea right -now- due to skewl starting so soon and things. And the fact that she’d have to find a new job (she already commutes sometimes 3 hrs to work, depending on what site she has to go to. So if she had to commute an hour *to* work and then a few more hours to her actual work site…that wouldn’t work so great, especially since she tends to get sleepy when she drives a long while. (Her partner tends to drive most days, and lets her doze or whatever.) And I’d have to commute an hour still to skewl. But then also a little over an hour to work, too, and then some days I would have to drive an hour to one campus, then an hour to the other campus, then another hour to home….Not sure that that would work so well.

Distance and time make it easier for me to push people when I try. I’m scared that things could really work out (moreso than they are now. Like. really work out, foreverandeveramen) with us….if we can just get thru this year.

i could go crazy on a nite like tonite when summer’s beginning to give up her fight…

I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want to think about how I’m going to manage commuting, working, homework, seeing AJ, taking care of my animals etc etc all year. I don’t want to think about how I’m probably going to miss most, if not all, of the allies panels and events.

i don’t feel good. See. This is the problem. I know now, what it’s like, to be able to turn around and get a hug from someone in the middle of the nite when I’m feeling down, or when I jumpstart awake from a bad dream. And. Now that I know. I WANT it, all of the time. And it hurts that I…that I have it, but that it’s not here.

I should sleep. Or scream. or. find sharp toys. *sigh* Trying to breathe. unsuccessfully.

i’m waking from a dream/ the neighborhood is green/ all the sounds i’ve missed/ all the years/ come down to wedding deaths and fears/ and all i’ve heard has been in vain/ like water on a stain/ touch me i’m so beautiful/ rub your hands across my head just like this/ come with me now it’s not worth it if you don’t/ are you hiding/ i am hiding/ cypress moon bald in june/ like the granite in a stream/ swamp ophelia i’m torn down/ let your waters let me drown/ touch me i’m so beautiful/ rub your hands across my head just like this/ come with me no it’s not worth it if you don’t/ are you crying/ i am crying/ jump jump jump so high/ watch me let you down/ if i stumble i will stumble/ if i fall i will fall/ i’m trying to hold it like rain in a river/ everything is getting bigger/ better this won’t last forever/ touch me fall/ touch me fall/jump jump jump so high/ watch me let you down/ if i stumble i will stumble/ if i fall i will fall/ i’m trying to hold it like rain in a river/ everything is getting bigger/ better this won’t last forever/ touch me fall -i.g.