Ties that bind? **edit- more emails**

<——— fake entry that way.

So. A MySpace conversation between my formerly/somewhat estranged brother and I….

From Toot (brother):
—————– Original Message —————–
Do you think I got screwed as a kid? or do you think I really deserved what I got? Dont be nice….I really need to know.

—————– Original Message —————–
From: [Echo]
Date: Feb 15, 2007 8:46 PM

Whoa, you’ll hafta be more specific!!!!

—————– Original Message —————–
From: [Toot]
Date: Feb 16, 2007 2:32 AM

just overall…..i cant really get specific cause im not sure what i mean..

—————-
[my response]

Hmmm. Okaaaay…..

Keep in mind I was young at the time. I think I was, what…10 when you left for good? Younger maybe? And my view of the events have some natural bias, although as I’ve grown older and considered the circumstances more, I’m able to see it from a different perspective.
I’m not really sure what you “got” or what you think you got, so it’s near impossible to say if you deserved it. From my grown up point of view–I think mum tried her best with the resources that she had. So if by “what you got” you mean being sent to live in RTF’s and stuff…I know that by that time it probably seemed like a punishment, but seriously, she was grasping at straws trying to figure out how to help you.
And by then it had probably all become a vicious circle….you were ‘bad’ so she punished you, which made you angry/confused you/whatever, so you were bad, so she punished you. Or perhaps it started off with her punishing you for something, etc….I can’t say where or how it started.
I remember hearing stories of what you allegedly did– stealing bikes and money and being violent by threatening teachers and throwing desks at them and breaking a kids arm and things like that. I remember having a teacher in High School who, after having me in class for several years, confided to me that the first time she saw my last name on the roster, she felt sick to her stomach, cuz she remembered having you and remembered what a ‘terror’ you were.
So, you ask me if I think you deserved what you got. It’s not something I can really answer in a simple manner. I don’t look at things that simply….because I know there must’ve been reasons for what you did, many that you probably can’t even explain or haven’t identified. So, perhaps your *actions* justify what happened to you (getting sent to RTF’s and things). But YOU are separate from your actions, in a sense. It’s not a situation where you can be taken out of context, do you know what I mean?
I mean, hell, I have no idea what happened (if anything) to ME as a kid, yet the scars running up and down my arm indicate that there’s something back there.
I happened to take my violence out on my self. You happened to take it out on others. Both have consequences yet both are/were to an extent, uncontrollable.
So. Long story short- I’m not sure I can answer your question 🙁
But I tried….
love and hugs,
your sis

——— EDIT ————
More….

—————– Original Message —————–
From: [Toot]
Date: Feb 17, 2007 5:39 AM

You did good actually. i guess I overlooked quite a bit when i think about the hand I was dealt. I want to remember things the way I felt they were…when I should be looking at it from all sides. I wasnt such a good boy. Being who I am now….it actually makes ME sick to my stomach knowing I had that sort of effect on someone. I been having such a hard time getting down this concept of “family”. Im so afraid I will never get to experience it. Im wondering what legacy im going to leave behind….who will come to my funeral….

[Echo]
It’s easy to overlook a whole lot. You were young too, and after all, it was YOUR life. It’s my opinion that it’s waaaay easier to look at someone else’s life or situation and think about various sides. The closer we are too it, tho, the smaller our view can be. That’s just human nature, I think.
I have a difficult time with the concept of Family as well. I mean, I haven’t talked to or seen Chris in more than a year. Patrick–well. *That’s* a whole situation on its own. Heather and I are having a tough time as well, tho I guess we’re trying to get thru it.
J, the therapist I’ve been seeing on and off for many, many years– she often tries to remind me that Family is more than the people who raised us. That Family can also be of our choosing. But that requires letting people in, ya know. Something I’m not awfully great at. I dunno. I’m not good at relationships, family or otherwise.
And perhaps that’s a consequence of our childhood, perhaps not. I dunno if we’ll ever know or if it even matters.
I guess all we can do is start where we are and go from there, right?
*hugs*