The heart of the matter.

I don’t really…feel like writing. I feel like being in bed or doing something “constructive” like cleaning the pigsty that I call home. eheh. Or calling the mother I’ve not spoken to in a month. Or calling my sister. Or…a multitude of things. But I’m not in the mood. I feel nauseous. Prolly from lack of sleep. eheh. *sigh*

I spent much of the last week (well, ALL of the last week??!) with AJ. Which is good, but bad. Good because, well, it was time with AJ! Bad because….gawd it’s so hard to leave her. Sooo frikkin hard. *sigh*

This weekend was exhausting, however. Drove home from her place (brought her with me!) on Friday. Worked Fri nite. Spent from 10-3 at the mall on Saturday for SAFE. Came home and putzed around, then went to Em’s for dinner with her and Marcus (yuuuum!) Then worked Sat nite. Drove back to AJ’s on Sunday (she drove!) Drove myself home from there on Monday morning, then worked for Grace from 3pm-11pm Monday afternoon. Then went in to help her out from 8am-2pm today. Ran to the pet store to get a new fish for RB and food for my animals. Went to my session with J. Went back to M’s to clean the fish tank, clean the cat poop, bring in the mail, etc etc. Came home, fed the animals, then crashed.

Only to be woken up at 7pm by Donnie standing over me saying “Hey!” Geesus. The ONE time I don’t lock my door in the last 3 months…I swear. Geesh. He needed a ride to the Quality Inn where his parents were staying, cuz they dropped him off at his apt but he didn’t have the keys. So. I drove him there, only for us to find that his dad had driven back to Donnie’s apt with the key. So. I left him at the hotel and came home. And here I am.

I desperately need to do laundry. That will happen tomorrow, as I think M and co get home tomorrow sometime, and I don’t want to tie up the machines when she’ll most definately need them. I have a Dr’s appt at 10am and then am working for Dr F at 1pm. Then…well, I was going to go to AJ’s either tomorrow evening or Friday morning, but. I have SO much shite to do around here, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to :o( Maybe she can come here….I really hope she can come here. Cuz I just…lah. It’s the last weekend before skewl starts and I’m not sure when we’ll have time again to see each other. Oh wait. I don’t have my dr’s appt etc tomorrow. I work tomorrow nite. Then have the appt and such on Thursday. Eeep. I can’t even keep my days straight. My head hurts.

So anyways. The talk AJ and I had was ok. Scary and such. But. I dunno. She said things like…y aknow. Just. That it didn’t disgust her or make her love me any less or etc. And. *sigh* I just wish she didn’t have to deal with it at all. She said she just doesn’t know what to say or do, that she doesn’t want to do the wrong thing I guess. And. I am of no help, as I don’t know what the wrong or right things are. *sigh*

So. Therapy today. I was exhausted and I basically just came in and flopped on to the minicouch. hehe. J came and sat down beside me and then she was like oooh!! I didn’t even ask! Do you want me to sit here?… *smiles* She amuses me so. I mean, I understand her line of reasoning or logic or whatever, it just…amuses me. Cuz 1. It’s her silly office and her asking me if it was ok for her to sit somewhere is just somewhat absurd to my brain (even tho, like I said, I understand the logic behind it) and 2. I don’t think I’ve ever inferred that I didn’t want her to sit on the couch with me or whatever! If anything, I’ve just remained silent or given a nonanswer. Which in general means….well, it just means that I’m fine with whatever? Or. It means that Yes, I want her to do something but No, I can’t admit to that or certainly can’t ask it or imply that I do want it.heaven forbid I ask for/accept things that comfort me…

Anyways. So she sat and we were quiet for a while. I was just…eh. Tired. She said I could sleep for an hour if I’d like. That that would be ok. heh. That would’ve been nice but the afterguilt woulda killed me. And, I knew that I’d be able to sleep tonite, so it wasn’t like I was going to have to be awake for another 24 hours. So. But I did find myself nearly dozing off a few times while sitting there just listening to her heart and to the breath whoosh in and out of her lungs. lah.

We talked mostly about AJ and I. About…well, in relation to cutting and how I can help her and how she can help me and such. J kind of drafted a letter to send to her. So. So there’s that.

It’s just weird. Talking about….relationships…in the context that we now talk about them. It’s all so different. Being able to talk about how to keep a relationship healthy, rather than having to talk about how to make a relationship healthy. Just. I dunno. It’s so different. Such a novelty. Me? Being in a balanced relationship? What?! (Apparently, it’s “How many times can Echo use the word relationship in a single paragraph” day…) I guess it’s just more a “relationship” as my brain defines it. Instead of a friendship or whatnot. Which, I realize, is also a relationship. But. *shrugs* Semantics. Oi vey.

Heh. I wish I could remember more of the stuff J was talking about. But I was sorta zoned. Good thing she took notes. heh.

H just txt’d me. Which means she’s prolly gonna call in a few minutes. Which is good, since I’ve not talked to her…oop. There she is :o) Apparently mum went out on a jet ski at Patrick’s. heh. Need to call mum. *sigh* It just…I get into such a pattern…where I forget/don’t call, and then that makes it even harder to call. And the longer I put it off, the harder it gets.

H is doing well. Baby is good. So that’s good. She said that she liked AJ and thought she was very nice and polite. 🙂 yay 🙂

My head hurts. And I’m just…meh. Driving home the other day, all I could think of was finding the razors when I got home. I dunno why. Just cuz. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling overwhelmed. With school and everything else. They haven’t posted stuff that they said they would be posting, I still don’t know where my clinical will be. I haven’t heard anything about my student loans yet. I need to print out a bunch of stuff and make an appt with DPW which I just haven’t had time to sit down and do. Or I guess I have had time, but I’ve been being a lazy sod. So. *sigh* And I’m just so anxious about starting school and doing well. I have to do well. And. I’m putting so much pressure on myself. But I don’t know how to ease up.

And something in my kitchen reeks. I’m thinkin’ it must be the garbage. Bleeech.

Heh. While I was at AJ’s a few days ago, we were laying downstairs on her bed and I was, of course, exhausted. And she put the Rent cd on. And I think she literally just held me and sang every song out loud. 🙂 I say “think” because I do believe I fell asleep at some point, for a few minutes. Or longer? hehe. I dunno. I certainly dozed/relaxed which was very nice. heh. And then, just as I did in the theatre, I started crying right about when Angel dies, and just kept on sniffling thru the rest of the cd! It’s like the soundtrack that never ends 🙂 It’s been a while since I listened to the whole thing, and I kept thinking “Oh, this is the last song…” but then there’d be another song, and another and another.*grin* lah.

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred moments so dear.
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure, measure a year?

in daylights – in sunsets- in midnites – in cups of coffee
in inches – in miles – in laughter – in strife
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love….how about love…how about love…measure in love
seasons of love…seasons of love

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan.
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

in truths that she learned
or in times that he cried
in bridges he burned
or the way that she died

it’s time now
to sing out
tho the story never ends
let’s celebrate
remember a year in the life of friends

remember the love….remember the love…remember the love
measure
in love

measure, measure your life in love

seasons of love…..