teenVogue

WTF am I getting Teen Vogue? For like, 6 months now. It only annoys me because it’s a waste of paper. And I’d give them to DB except I refuse to promote skinny blonde girls who pretend they’re all about GirlPowerRAH and then go on and on about how they bought their dog a 6,000 dollar diamond studded collar and how their man really loves them when they’re dressed up all glam-like. Love me in my sweats and 3x tees or don’t love me at all.

So I just sat in J’s office for I don’t even know how long at school. can we say waste of space???

I should start at the beginning (ha, cuz when have I ever done THAT before…) but I should be leaving to go meet some kids that I’m babysitting tomorrow evening. I don’t want to go. I’m tired and apathetic and depressed out of my fucking mind and I just want to curl up and lay in bed and be left alone. But of course, there’s no time for that.

So. They did call me off last nite, at 930 after I’d been laying in bed for several hours trying to sleep, unsuccessfully. Only to proceed to call me back in at 1135. One of the patients was having a hissy. Climbing on top of the refridgerator and trying to hang herself with sheets and all that jazz. *sigh* She’s a -very- frequent flyer and it makes me angry, the way she acts. Mostly cuz it’s pretty much how I feel but I don’t express it quite so…loudly…She is “classic borderline” which makes me cringe to say because it’s labeling her unfairly even if it is accurate…

Ugh. Hafta go to this place. I should/want to walk but it’s hot and sticky out and I’m tired and I want to get home ASAP so I can try to sleep before having to go in and show a video to Dr F’s class tonite.

It shouldn’t take me 10 minutes of coaxing just to get out my front door. but it does.
————-
Well. That was far less painful than expected :p The girls both seem very sweet, similar to the girls I watched last summer. The older one, especially, seems very well-tempered and interacts very well with her little sister. Heheh. L and I were rolling a ball across the floor to one another and Mi comes and steals the ball. So L gets a pout on her face for a second, then gets up and gets another ball and starts rolling it to me. Of course Mi comes and steals that one and L looks triumphant saying See I knew that would work! Pretty good idea, huh?! and when Mi steps on her she whines a bit but gets over it quick. Mi might be more of a handful. She’s almost 2 and just seems very….2. 🙂 But she’s also small and sweet, so hopefully all will go well. And their mum who I just CAN’T remember her name…I remember the husband’s name and he wasn’t even there…she was very nice and very cute. Apparently they own a bakery in town. And they used to own one of the bars. So. Fun times. She seems very laid back and pleasant. *shrugs* So I’m watching them tomorrow from 4-10pm and then going in to work at the psych center.

Speaking of which. Work, last nite. I spent 8 1/2 hours sitting in a 5×10 foot room staring into Quiet Room at that girl. Well, Maybe 8 hours and 15 mins, cuz at one point she left the room and was heading back to her room and refused redirection, so we had to essentially drag her back into the QR. *sigh* She screamed bloody blue murder. I’ve not heard anyone scream that loud in a long time. Because I was just called back in and didn’t know what was going on, I only grabbed my purse and not a book, cuz I didn’t realize I’d be on a 1:1. Luckily Kathy has The Five People You Meet In Heaven in her mailbox so I borrowed it. Read the whole thing. Eheh. Felt silly at times cuz it kept bringing tears to my eyes. *sigh*

And as I sat and watched the girl and listened to her howl and kick the wall and fling herself to the floor (“more comfortable than these fucking mattresses”….she has a point there…) I just…saw my future. But I can’t. I simply wouldn’t survive in such an environment and I certainly wouldn’t *thrive* there. Sleeping on a cracked plastic bed that hundreds of people have slept on. Having to sign out a pen or pencil every time I wanted to write. Watching everyone around me struggle. There’s no way I’d focus on me. I’d be trying to help all of the other people. Or I’d be polite and demure and do every damn thing the staff asked of me whether I wanted to or not.

Anyways. I freaked myself out pretty good and ended up mailing J from my phone (that’s another thing…no technology..no email, no phones…ACK!) asking if I could call in the morning or if she could call me when it was convenient for her. She ended up calling right as I was walking out the door – I was late getting out cuz another patient was quickly on her way to be coded, had to be brought back from the courtyard before breakfast, accusing staff of stealing her money and her cigarettes. Which. Ya know. That has happened. The thing was…10 minutes before hand she had been screaming that the people at the police station stole it. And she kept saying as loud as she could “See. And they wonder why you turn cold, why you watch your stuff like a hawk…” She seemed kind of paranoid to me. And not at all pleasant. The milieu there is so damn volatile right now. Everyone is feeding off of everyone else. It goes thru these stages…calm as anything for a while and then you get one or two patients who raise hell and everyone joins in. So. I was late getting out cuz I wanted to make sure things were calm-ish beforehand.

So she called and my phone was on it’s last bar of battery so I called her back when I got home. And. And I just don’t know anymore. She said she’d be at her office and I could drop by if I wanted to. So after awhile I did. And we talked for a little bit and then I went downstairs cuz her puppy was in the dept office sleeping under Doc P’s desk. It’s so small!! It’s a golden retreiver and ohmygosh is it soft and sweet. And J is right, you almost can’t help but smile when (s)he’s around. I think it’s a he. Has a boy’s name anyways. So I sat on Doc P’s floor for a little bit and played with the puppy. I felt like a little kid, eheh. Then I went back up to J’s office and sat for awhile while she went about her work.

Eventually of course, she had to leave. She offered that I could stay for a while if I’d like to, or I could walk home a little ways with her and the dog. I had to be getting home anyways cuz I had to go meet the little girls. So we walked for a bit until I stupidly realized that I had driven to campus, not walked. *rolls eyes* So I turned back the direction we came and drove home.

I guess…I dunno. I felt a little better after talking to her. After just sitting a while. Her school office is….more comfortable? than the therapy one. It has a window. :op Then again, I’m just generally comfortable in the school offices. I used to sometimes just sit in E’s office amidst the clutter that I was forever making piles of, just staring at the hundreds of books on the wall, or in M’s when it was connected to his. She had this amazing picture of her and DB standing kind of in a field. I didn’t believe it was a picture at first, because it just looks like a painting, it’s so perfect- the slope of the hill, the way their dresses are blowing. And now Dr F’s office, which is also comfortable. I guess those kind of offices are more familiar to me since I’ve been working, in one dept or another, since I was a junior essentially. And even in HS, I spent soooo much time in Mrs W’s office or in the library office. *shrugs* Too, it’s just a change of scenery which made me feel a little less stuck.

She’s moving therp offices again, tho. So I’ll be interested to see the new place. Hopefully it has a window of some sort *crosses fingers* eheh. I remember waaaaaaay back when I first started…my first or second session when she was in her other office with the funkywonderful wallpaper…she had left the room for some reason or another and me, being completely nervous and not knowing why the hell I was there or what I was going to say…needed something to occupy myself with. And I didn’t want to touch any of her stuff, so I went over to the window and knelt down and looked out for a bit. If you looked straight out, it was just green trees. But if you looked down, you could see a bit of the parking lot. And I was watching some sort of little bird flit back and forth between the trees, wondering what it was doing. And wondering where J’d gone and when she’d be back and when I turned around she was just kinda standing in the door, leaning against the doorframe (doorframe? is that what it’s called?? Doesn’t seem like a word…) And I felt silly and sort of afraid because I don’t think I was really familiar with how therapy worked and I didn’t know if it was ok that I had left my chair!! But at the same time I was thinking that she had silver hair which, for some reason, makes a person seem more trustworthy or wise? eheh. lah.

Gah. Haven’t thought of *that* in forever. I wonder if I wrote about it in here. It woulda been back when this was freeOD and I was…”Kismet, Kharma, and Cocoa” or some such thing. Seems a lifetime ago.

What the hell was I rambling about before that little bout of nostalgia hit…I dunno.

Oh. So. There’s this kind of a relationship thing happening between me and this girl. I don’t want to jinx it by talking about it, or talk about it and then have it all crumble and then feel stupid for having talked so much about it. But. Here’s a bit of an email she sent me today….

you know, I think you sound like a very cool person. I love getting emails from you. I printed out your poems and read them by candlelight last night. I think that we could have something special, a connection. wow, sounds cheesy when I put it down like that. oh, well…..

(I sent her two or three poems that I wrote for Craft of Poetry. -safe- poems, nothing too close or telling or whatever. non-angsty stuff, I guess it was.)

and also this:
and if you wanted to visit that soon, there’s a party saturday we could go to, if you want – cookout, bonfire on the beach, sleep out in tents/whatever at a friend’s house. sorry, I’m not trying to be pushy or anything, I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable. but I have been thinking about you quite a bit… anyways, don’t feel pressured – I really like exchanging email with you, so there’s no rush on anything.
ok, so I’m maybe a little embarrassed now… moving on…

Of course I have to frikkin WORK Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. *grr* And she’s two-ish hrs away, so.

So. Yeah. There’s that. And surprise, surprise, she’s a redhead. *s*

And I need to lay down before travelling to the other campus, I think. Gah, how can it only be 2 in the afternoon? Feels like 6 or 7 at nite…
————
AHHH. The place that I sent a job application to just called me to set up an interview. fuckityfuckfuck. 2pm on Wednesday. I haven’t had to interview for a job in….3 years! I’ve only ever really interviewed for 2 -real- jobs, one I didn’t get (in retrospect- THANK GAWD), and the one that I have now (which I believe their policy is: If it breathes, hire it)

Do I really WANT another job?? Do I really NEED another job?? Ok, the second one is a Yes. I need to get on my feet, financially because I’m drowning and drowning fast…Can HANDLE another job?? What if it comes down to me having to decide about quitting the psych center? I know I bitch about it, but I’m comfortable there. I have coworkers/acquaintances there, who ask me how my cats are and how I’m doing in school and how’s the weather today…I’m especially loyal to my nite shift coworkers. I don’t think I’d ever find a better supervisor than Donna. UGH UGH UGH.

Not to mention the fact that it’s hard enough for me to fake it thru brief random interactions with people as it is. But to sit thru an interview and have to be positive? And non-deprecating about myself??

AND WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR!!!!!!!!!