suffer me

therapy today.

uh. yeah. so.

Went to the mall to try and get a replacement license, but apparently only the DOT people can do it and they’re not their today but they’re there tomorrow from 10-4. I also stopped in K-mart to see if they had paper cutters. They didn’t. But the trip wasn’t a total bust, cuz as I was going in to the mall, this guy on a bench waves to me so I go over and realize it is the DB’s god-father. For some reason I simply adore him. he has the best southern accent and the most gorgeous ice-crystal eyes. he introduced me to his new boyfriend (well, new to me, tho I suppose not new in the long run of things…) and we chatted for a bit. I woulda given him a hug except it was disgustingly humid out and I didn’t really feel like touching anyone or anything. It’s always nice to see him tho. Reminds me of when I lived with M&co and he’d come over after the show or whatnot and M and E and him and I would sit under the stars and talk. Well, they mostly did all the talking. I just stared up at the trees, sipped at my G&T or beer and….and enjoyed myself. i miss being Home. If I could reach the stars, I’d give ’em all to you and you’ll love me, love me like you used to do, if I could turn back time/ My world was shattered, I was torn apart like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart./ When you walked out that door, I swore that I didn’t care but I lost everything, darling, then and there/ Too strong to tell you I was sorry. Too proud to tell you I was wrong. I know that I was blind and darling…/ If I could turn back time, it I could find a way, I’d take back those words that all hurt you and you’d stay.

I hate memories. Cuz the bad ones are just bad and the good ones just hurt.

therapy today.

that hurt too. i guess it hurt anyways. like i told j, i’m not sure if things hurt now just cuz they hurt or if they hurt just cuz i think they should. cuz mostly i’m just numb. i’m nothing.

i’m all alone, she says. no. i feel like i’m all alone is what she said. i dunno. sure. i guess i do. thru no one’s fault but my own. so.

she/we filled out a form to give to dr h at my next appt. basically a ‘this is what’s wrong’ kind of a thing? i wasn’t being very forthcoming with information. fuck, i pretty much wasn’t communicating at all. but anyways. so she was saying stuff and i was either agreeing or shrugging my shoulders and not caring. not really understanding how the words she was saying were a part of me. i mean, they obviously are. but. i sat there just trying to figure out why and when and how…

so we established that the main problem was depression. Ok. Depression. Severe? I mean, can I put that? Is that sounding like… yes. yes. whatever. *sigh* But hey, at least there’s no psychotic features. yay for me. i may as well have lived back in the day when everyone wore corsets and tried to look the most sickly cuz anymore it feels like my chest is bound tight and i can’t breathe. er. tho i don’t think i look sickly, nor am i trying to.

she put the sleep stuff on too. ptsd. me not wanting to go to a pdoc. (tho i didn’t have the words, energy or desire to explain again that it’s less a matter of not wanting to go and more a matter of feeling completely unable to go.)

she asked me about my appetite which made me laugh. “Nonexistant” would be a good word for it. i’m not starving myself. but i only eat because i know i should, not because i’m hungry or have any desire whatsoever to do so.

silence for a while.

accepted a hug which i had refused at the beginning. sat down on the floor with her. more silence. i’m not really sure what we talked about. or if we talked. after a while she just pulled me over and hugged me. *sigh* asked what we should do if i got worse, cuz she assumed i didn’t want to go IP. *shrugs* i never get to that point of worse. i suggested we cross that bridge when we came to it but she wasn’t exactly enamoured of that idea and said she’d rather we talk about it now. but i don’t know if we did.

talked about the *original* hitch-hiker’s guide to the galaxy. the cheesy BBC one. i was surprised, as i wasn’t sure anyone else had ever even heard of it let alone seen it, let alone enjoyed it. (it really is very cheesy from what i remember. maybe i’ll go watch it again.) lah. the woman never ceases to amaze me.

talked about her heart being slow, tho it prolly only seemed slow to me in comparison with the chaos/vacuum of my brain. discussed how fast my heart rate used to be when i was in the middle of the hyperthyroidism ordeal.

talked about me not wanting to be put in a box and getting angry when ppl did so. yet me not knowing who i was. concluded that i don’t know who i am but i know i don’t want to be in a box. she said that that was fair enough.

talked about the lunesta helping me sleep but that it wasn’t necessarily helping. cuz. *shrugs* at least with being completely fatigued I didn’t have to worry about doing damage to myself. i hate this.

i didn’t want to leave. we were just sitting there staring at the ceiling or at the fish painting that always reminds me of My Many Coloured Days and the fish in the cool green sea…and i realized that i didn’t want to leave cuz i was just afraid to. not afraid that i’d hurt myself. i just thought “what in the hell am i going to do for the next 4 hours before i can go to bed again….” it’s like a constant battle to keep myself occupied. not that i don’t have a shitload of things i could be doing, such as cleaning the pigsty that is my apt or typing up the million and one things Dr F has for me (i haven’t had the heart yet to tell her it’d be easier if she’d just email me the files…*shrugs* i like to type. and at least that way i get my hours in). and i know i have all of that to do. but instead i just sit here and stare at the cursor blinking. or sit on my bed and stare out the back door at the tree.

tomorrow i have to go to the drivers license place. and stop by school to pick up my paycheck and maybe now i’ll go find the HHGTTG and watch it while i type up stuff for Dr F, which I can then upload to the server tomorrow when i stop in to get my check. i’m s’posed to work tomorrow nite but there are six on. they might call me off but i’m not sure cuz there are 3 RN’s scheduled and sometimes they call off the tech, sometimes the RN. Jeff is the other tech. They might call him first anyways. So I prolly won’t get called off.

i think i have a headache.

she wanted something just like the real thing. he needed love and it all worked out somehow. he knows that love is the king of emotion but he can’t touch her cuz she’s too perfect now. but she wasn’t like that then. and he wasn’t like that then. they were everything, everything they need. suffer me. call on me and i, i will call on you. suffer me. call on me and i, i will call on you. i’ll call on you. she wasn’t thinkin’ about anyone else just then but she knew someone else would always come to mind cuz they were strangers living in the feeling. they were scared when they heard they talked about love. but it wasn’t like that then. it just wasn’t like that then. they took everything, cuz everything was free. oh, suffer me. call on me and i, i will call on you. suffer me. call on me andi, i will call on you. oh yes and they were thinning out at that moment where we’re all afraid. started thinking that pretty soon one of them would leave. but she said suffer me…oh suffer me. call on me and i, i will call on you. suffer me yeah call on me and i, i will call on you. -mb20-

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