*stifles a s.c.r.e.a.m*

I was….good. Feeling ok. Caught up at work. People keep telling me I’m doing a great job. That I stay so calm and don’t get all worked up. (All except one person, actually Sabrina the Teenage Witch who has been working days. She keeps saying “When’s Grace coming back??” and I was like…”What, am I doing that bad a job?” and she’s like “No, I’m just used to her doing this and that and blah blah blah” Well. Grace has been doing the job for far longer than I, and she knows when this and that need done/signed/changed. I…do the basics and catch whatever else I happen to notice.) Anyways. Everyone else, tho, has been wonderful. At least, to my face. No idea what goes on when I leave, but I don’t care so much.

So. Work is ok. And although I didn’t get there til 6am (should get there at 530), I wasn’t as tired today as I have been…

And while I was at work, the DV office called and offered me the job that I interviewed for yesterday. Actually she called to inform me the one position didn’t start til May, which they neglected to mention yesterday…And while we were talking about that, I remembered to ask about wages. 7.65/hr. Which is kinda a biiiiig drop in salary. Well. Not huge, I guess. But. When every penny is being pinched, it seems like a big drop. Not that I’d be quitting the psych center. But still. This job is only 25 hrs/wk. Which ends up only being 190/wk, before taxes. So prolly only about…$700/month. Which would be helpful, of course. But. I could prolly make more doing just TSS work which I would prolly enjoy more. On the other hand. I would have to spend basically nothing on gas or transportation for the shelter job, so wouldn’t be totally screwed if/when my car dies. On the other hand, there are no benefits. It should be an easy decision. But it’s not.

But still. I got a job offer, so that was good. Work was good. Called M on my way home from work to see if I could bum a buck off her to pick up my Rx’s, which I feel like a total idiot for not even having a dollar’s worth of change in my entire house. Other than in pennies. But. She’s wonderful and I stopped by her place and scrounged up some change from on top of the dryer, and then drove over to the uni. Stopped by the Women’s Studies office and got tix to see The Vagina Monologues on Friday for AJ and I. Talked to Dr Deb for a few minutes. So that was good, that I remembered to get them.

Stopped by the psych dept and talked to Diana for a few minutes, always a pleasure to do that. Enjoyed walking to and from my car in the lovely sunshine.

Stopped and picked up my synthroid and a bottle of sprite, so felt accomplished for having done that, since I managed to do it before running totally out.

So. Came home, sat and checked my email and such with some Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy ice cream. (Yum) (but not as yum as some of their others) And life was ok.

But then. blah. Decide to log on to Trillian to see if anyone’s online, since for a change I’m not coming home and going right to sleep (well, that wasn’t the plan anyways. I need to seriously clean my apartment, it’s dirty and AJ will be here Friday!) And what pops up but an Offline Yahoo message from my BIL. Ya know, the jerkoff who’s tighter than tight with his money, disgustingly so. Unless it’s some stupid thing. Like buying a new car. When they already have 2 and a motorcycle….Yeah. Anyways. I have issues with him, but for all intents and purposes we have a decent enough relationship. Even tho he makes me seethe with the way he treats my sister sometimes and just his personality in general. But whatever. She loves him, I guess, so I’m civil and blahdiblahblah. So. This message pops up regarding money that my sister was going to give me. That she never gave me, prolly cuz I kept telling her not to. And. He was like:

[15:20] [BIL..mage]: [Echo], I’m sorry to bother but I just wanted to reiterate that the $500 is a loan from us from which we can subtract from in repayment as you help us out in return and watch [Z] now and then. [H] is very uneasy about framing it clearly as a loan but in our [H]’s and my discussions that’s what we agreed to. Make sure they check to see if the head is warped and grind it down to compensate for it before putting on the new gasket and putting it back together. Good luck with the car repairs and job search! -Shawn [Offline Message (Tue Feb 14 09:17:09 2006)]

Ok. First off? I NEVER asked to be payed to watch Z. I would more than gladly watch him for free. He’s my frikkin NEPHEW, isn’t that what family is for??

Besides, who the fuck is HE to talk??? Last I recall, HE was the one who DOESN’T CONTRIBUTE TO THE HOUSEHOLD INCOME. Fucking wanker. (heh. oxymoron, that…) HE is the one who’s business STILL isn’t up and running. Yeah, I give him props for trying and all that shit. But in my opinion, he’s had more than enough time. If it’s not up by now, then he needs to at least have part time work. And, he does do computer consulting sometimes, which does bring in a fair amount of money. WHEN he does it. Which is NOT often. This is the same guy who quit his well-paying job, leaving my sister to be the sole provider for the family. Leaving her to work full time while completing a doctorate program while being pregnant. HELLOOOOO….he’s such a frigging idget.

There are just too many uncertain variables, and they seem to keep getting less certain instead of more. I…I had this Plan, ya know? And then I fucked up and my Plan is no longer an option. And there wasn’t really a Plan B. Cuz. I think my Plan? Was already Plan B.

I know this is all part of being an Adult and etc. But I just. Am so lost. And feel so incapable. Uncapable. And. It seems that no one else is really…in the same boat right now? I mean. I dunno. The majority of my friends here are just graduating, so it’s similar but not the same. And the rest are all…well. Over 30 (over 35?!) and…not necessarily “set” in life. But. Not at quite the same crossroads. So when I look around me, for people who are There…in the Same Boat….the only ones I find…honestly? Are patients. In the psych center. heh. I dunno. I just…I just don’t know. *sigh*

I need to clean. Pay bills. figure out my life