Shoulda

Ugh. I shoulda gotten up and showered and gone to an InService at work. I could still make it, but I don’t necessarily want to. I mean, I want to, but I’m tired and just….I dunno. It’s about how to work with MR people. And even if I don’t plan on staying at the psych center, I’d still like to see what the trainings are about. But I’m unmotivated. Or not motivated enough, eheh.

Pulled an all-nighter last nite. In part to help Em out, in part to help me out. In one week she’ll be gone from here. Never to return, for the most part. She student teaches next semester and will be almost 2 hrs away in the city. *sigh* She’s really become a great friend. We just….click. I dunno. I’ve been able to reach out to her, and her to me. And we’ve both been (sometimes) able to make room for the other when needed. And it makes me sad that she’s leaving. So. She had this research paper she was working on last nite and we stayed in the listening lab til prolly almost 3am, then went to her house where she worked til 5 while I read. Then she went to bed and I went to the living room and read some/tried to sleep some. And then woke her up at 815 so she didn’t miss her 9am class.

lol. I went in and shook her and was like “Em. Em….EMMMMMM” and she looked at me groggily and then was like “WHAT THE HELL???” Apparently she thought I was her sister and couldn’t figure out why the hell I was here and not…where her sister lives, lol.

I talked to AJ last nite 🙂 Going to her place for the weekend. Gah I miss her sooooooooooooooo freaking much. Not even funny. We talked about our upcoming trip to NYC. We’re both uber-excited. I can’t wait! We’re hoping to get to the TKTS booth Monday morning so we can catch a show that nite. Dunno yet what we want to see tho. Depends on what’s available, of course. Still looking for somewhere to stay. She’s willing to take *her* car, if we don’t have to actually drive it in to the city. That would be helpful, in terms of not having to spend money on renting a car. I need to look for places to stay. She mentioned the option of camp grounds, as she has a tent. And a station wagon, lol. Well, not a station wagon, but kind of a station wagon? I forget what it’s called. At any rate, a car where the back seat folds down and we could sleep in it if it came to that 🙂 This is going to an adventure, indeed!!

There’s an Open Mic tonite for Tobeco that I told Jen I’d help with. WoOt. That’s at 530. Gonna go sleep for a few hours. J lent me another Lovingkindness Meditation cd and I listened to the first of 3 cd’s as I fell asleep earlier and *really* liked it. Perhaps my favourite so far, as the woman (Sharon Salzberg) is discussing things I can totally relate to, and things I…”believe” in already, such as like, tolerance and acceptance of every creature, regardless.

I’m NOT perfect, and I know I judge at times. But I honestly try my best to remember that we’re all equal. Something that I think is very important to remember where I work, so as to not start treating the patients as second class citizens. Even tho I know I pull the “I’m staff and you’re NOT, so obey me….” card way more than I ever should, with the children *and* the adults. But I try to be aware of when I’m doing it, so as to not…overdo it?

And sometimes, it’s impossible for me to place myself on equal ground with some of the patients….like registered Meghan’s Law sex offenders. I deliberately have to remember to *treat* them equally. But my mind doesn’t wrap itself around their pasts so well. I know, I know: hate the sin, love the sinner. But. Eh. Not so much in these cases. Hate the sin, definately. But honestly, the sinner makes my stomach turn a bit. Ya know, the kids who molest their siblings or kill family pets…that I can deal with. But the adults who, on multiple occasions, molest and rape their neices, cousins, children? And I guess in part it’s so difficult for me to deal with cuz I deal with those children, too, and see the after-effects.

Maybe it would be different if I knew the past of those adults, but often I don’t. I’d like to think that if I knew the horrors they had lived thru as kids, that I’d be more….sympathetic. And certainly, I feel sorry for them, as their lives are obviously not going well. But still. It gives me the shivers when I have to touch them to take their vitals in the morning, and I can’t help but clench my teeth and glare in to the darkness as I do look in to their rooms when I do rounds.

Gawd, why am I babbling about this?

Need sleep, for sure! Oi, it was REALLY difficult riding my bike home from Em’s this morning. My legs felt like lead! But. I think I’m managing, maybe between Yoga and bike riding and such, to keep my weight sorta steady. I’ve lost the 3 or 4 lbs that I’d put on since being ip. Still have 4 to go to get to my “normal” weight that I was before all the med business. But, I’m glad to see that I can control things better with the seroquel than I could with the zyprexa. Def. a relief there. The last few times I’ve taken it, too, I’ve only taken 25 cuz of time requirements. Which, I think I might take 25 now, too, since I need to be up in 4 hours. Hmm. Or not. Cuz I actually need to be up in 3 hours. Oi vey. So p’raps I’ll wait and take the 50 after the open mic.

It’s difficult to correlate the increased anxiousness with the lowered or skipped doses, cuz lower or no dose generally means I’ve also been working, which means my sleep is lessened just cuz I’m working. So it’s hard to tell if it’s the meds or the sleep. Tho, more and more I’m aware of just how sensitive I am to the sleep thing, which kinda sucks. heh. Tho, I have also noticed that now that I actually get sleep when I take the meds and such, it’s easier, on the whole, to sleep when I need to, if that makes sense. Cuz before, on some of the other meds, even tho they’d knock me out, it was still tough to sleep in the daytime or whatever. But now I seem to be back to being able to sleep whenever.

Still, I babble. I’m not exactly tired right now. Wonder if that’s cuz of the caffeine I drank last nite? First caffeine I’ve had in a LONG time. And, come to think of it, I also had a chai shake yesterday or was it the day before? So that’s even more! Eep. But, I am tired and am going to at least lay down for a bit.

Em lent me Naked and Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. I just read about 5 pages of the first one before I left her apt this morning and I laughed my arse off! Oi. And Jen lent me Girl, Interrupted cuz I wanted to read that again. Need to read them all and get them back to them before they all leave for summer. And I’m in the middle of The Poisonwood Bible. *grin* I love books!!!!!!!! mmmm. SO good to read again.

Ok. Sleepytime.